Sometimes...

Sometimes,
It's the strangest little things that
give you the greatest joys ---

Today, for example:

I got my PPD-- the nurse that
put it in
gave me
the most perfect wheal!

I don't know WHY
I loved that so much, but I do!!!

At Home-ish

At Aunt Margo's.
Every time I come here
(and this is only the 2nd
at this location)
my heart feels at home.
Welcome isn't the word...
more like a sense of
peace, completeness, belonging.

I found myself stopping.
Catching myself -
Am I in Vacaville?
No- I went there,
with strange detachment.
I must be in Rock Hill,
after all, that's where
my home is -
No 0 I'm thousands of
miles form my house.
Plumas Lake?!
This town is foreign
to me, and yet, home.
Home is where the Aunt is.

Empleado

Holy... wow.
I can NOT believe the job contract
that I just got...

Giving a whole lot of thanks
(more than a lot)

I knew something good
would come along, but
this might just take
the cake.

Elephant Poo, and a Great Cheeseburger!

Went to the SF MOMA yesterday with an awesome girl I met at my hostel. We had fun, but were mostly unimpressed with what passes for "art" these days. And the museum staff wanted to make sure we stayed back from all displays & no flash photography. It's like this - clearly the artists didn't take themselves seriously (A trailer? That's art?) And yet the staff treats it like a precious artifact? Loved LOVED the painting made with elephant dung. (*despite the dung, not because of it!)

The day was absolutely beautiful! After the museum, we hung in the park & realized we were hungry. I had a hankering for a Dave's burger (I'd been thinking about them for about a week) & on a whim we walked the mile back to the hostel then drove nearly 40 miles 48 miles to get a fabulous cheeseburger! (The poor girl got a taste of a local chola old-lady talk, yammering about her once-revered switchblade) but loved the cheeseburger all the same. Had a lot of fun, & it was nice to be able to let a foreigner tourist see a little bit of the non-tourist areas.

Did my ACLS prep class last night. I felt retard-iculous. Glad I rescheduled the actual ACLS.. I would've NEVER passed it! (That's all I'm gonna say about that).. It's time to get ready so I can check out of my hostel.

Echo & The Bunnymen

Pismo Beach - Highway 1.
Water to the left,
hills to the right.
Flip-flops on my feet,
New Wave on the stereo,
a latte in my belly,
and a smile on my face.

Beach Weather, Head only, and Monkey Toes.

I'd seen lots of signs in parking lots that say "Head in Only" and thought it a little strange. PARKING. One word added that makes the topic sound 86% less dirty. ;0) This was taken at the parking garage across the street from my hostel. (Appears Santa Monica does not take well to backwards parkers? They actually have a law against it?!)

I forgot how much I love beach weather! The beach itself is often overrated- crowded, and you find sand in places it was never intended to be. But driving through Santa Monica, I was right on the coast, and WOW... I'd forgotten how awesome it is... how good the air smells. How cool it is day and night... I'm in love with the beach right now. I'd been deciding whether to drive on Hwy 5, or Hwy 1, and thought I'd choose 101 as a nice compromise from the LA area to the Bay Area, but after today, it's soo resolved: Highway 1 for SURE!

My hostel is fantastic.. uber-clean. And though sharing a room with 9 other girls gets warm and a tad musty, I wouldn't change it for the world. Love this place. Too bad they limit you to 14 days/year max.. I wouldn't mind living here. There's lots to do, and it's lively here.

Got to hang out with an online friend IRL, and it was a blast.. really enjoyed his company, and am glad to solidify a friendship! We went to the Getty museum in LA. We really didn't have enough time to do the whole thing, but what we did see was awesome. (There was so much damned marble there! The whole thing was friggin' rich.) If I had time, I'd really do a whole day there... Would love to have toured the gardens, but even checking them out from the overlook was fantastic!

I'd heard somewhere that there's this theory that as a species, our toes are shrinking. I'd always thought that was a little strange, but didn't dismiss it. Today, I've officially decided there's merit to the theory. Every statue and painting from the 1600's-1700's seemed to have monkey-toes. Yes monkey freaking toes. Wish I could rattle off examples, but I was not really a good museum-goer.. I don't remember.. I just remember seeing an awful lot of Monkey TOES!!!

Interim Update

I know I've written a few things down on paper that I need to transfer here to my blog, but I haven't because it's been a strange wild ride, what with the no internet, no computer situation.

I'm writing this while sitting in the common room of a hostel in Flagstaff, AZ. I drove from Amarillo here today, and the ride was gorgeous. As I hit AZ, I could see light filtering down amidst a faraway rainshower, and I felt like I was in God's country. I'm always in awe of the land when I drive through the southwest. I remember studying geology, and really not enjoying the subject (too much bleh, not enough action) but whenever I find myself looking at the big red srata in the land, I ponder how it got that way, and find myself interested all over again.

I also decided that practical people in Arizona must say, "Screw it; let's just get orange carpet." (Maybe thus the inspiration for the popularity of terra cotta tile?)

I spent time in OKC visiting with family, and had a blast. I really got to bond with my aunt while staying with her and truly enjoyed her company. Visits with family are food to my soul. (As are road trips, so I'm feeling downright gluttonous right now!)

My brain is weary, and I'm ready for bed... I gained 2 hours today, so I'm all messed up. It feels early, but I've been up for a while.

It Was a Dark & Stormy Night

Maybe I set myself up for a fright.
Driving home, I told myself,
"this is like horror-movie weather."
- Super heavy rains.
Abundant lightning that
made it look like daylight.

Maybe it was nerves when I
hydroplaned in the flooded roads.

Or maybe it was the ginormous bugs
nose-diving at full speed into my
flimsy glass window.

I don't know what set it off, but
by the time the power started flickering,
I was pretty freaking creeped out.

Apologies

It was big of her to call and apologize.
I know that wasn't easy. I accepted, & did not even rehash - because I'm honestly not even angry. Last night was a total moment of clarity: the realization that this cycle will never end ... so it was easy to accept.

I had about a 10-second breakdown of crying when I hung up. That's all I allowed myself, but that's enough. I'm thankful for the apology, and very aware of how difficult that call must have been for her to make.

Today I am also thankful for:
1. The Smiths .. Best of 1 album
2. Iced pumpkin coffee
3. The blood (from my bloody nose last week) came out in the wash
4. Light blue bedroom & bathroom
5. My faith in myself.

180 Degrees (a Neverending Cycle)

It was like experiencing my teenage years all over again. And let me say, sometimes reliving your youth doesn't carry good connotations. This was one of those times.

She flipped out on me completely. A total 180 degrees in a matter of minutes, & I'm still blindsided. I have no idea how or why it happened. One minute she gets the idea to pop popcorn. Dad & I were sititing in the living room, usual places - in front of the TV waiting for her to come back. She shouts to us something about needing to clean up. I shout back that I already did. She tells me I've eaten 2 meals at her house since I last cleaned. I tell her, no, that I picked up after dinner tonight.

"Picked up?! Now you're changing your words," she says. Dad gets up & heads to the kitchen, so I follow obediently, and start opening the dishwasher so I can put clean dishes away, so that all the dishes I'd rinsed & piled in the sink earlier can be put in there. I don't know what changes at this point, but she's mad at me & tells me to stop - she shoves the rack back in the washer & closes it.

I'm dumbfounded & upset all at once. I ask her why she's upset, & I hear something about, "you ackt like this is your house. You don't live here." This hurts. The "It's my house, & what I say goes; when you have your own house you can call the shots" of my teen years echo all around me, stinging.

I'm still shocked, because I was told to clean up, and I was doing as I was told. I open the dishwasher & try to continue putting the dishes away. She tries to close it again, yelling, "I'm not going to have you do anything so you can use it against me later!" Yelling from her is upsetting me. I notice my dad has left. "Dad!" I shout, but no response. She changes her voice and calls me something stupid, giggling. I believe the word was "boognugget" or something like it. I tell her its's not funny, and trying to be cute isn't working. I shout for dad again, no response.

She's yelling, slamming the dishwasher. I tell her she's being an asshole. "How dare you!" she says. Tries to fight. I keep telling her I'm not engaging. She slams her bowl down, trying to continue. I tell her, "you're not going to be happy until you've had your fight, are you?" She continues yelling.

I have no idea what she said, because at this point I'm honestly not listening. I grab purse & keys. I tell her, "You aren't going to be happy until I get pissed off and leave, are you?" She's yelling. I think she's trying to get me back - but I see no happy end. There's no way this can end peacefully, so I leave.

So I left. With her yelling behind me. I didn't look back. Drove around, the long way. Kept driving until I wasn't angry anymore. Then I sat parked in my driveway listening to the cicadas & looking at stars until I wasn't frustrated anymore. Now I sit here, simply disheartened. I realize that it will never change.

Home again, home again

Lordy, lordy! It's been a wild ride. First I did all the work on the truck (that absolutely *needed* to be done). Then, I come home to find my water heater was dead. And no sooner did I replace the water heater, then my laptop crapped out on me. Took it to a local shop; the repair guy said it's looking like a bad motherboard... Thank GOD it's still under warranty for about 6 more weeks! I dropped it off today, and expect to have my beloved "Coppertop" back in about 3 weeks. (yeah, it takes forever!!)

So, it's been a series of job rejections after I refused the job in Fort Worth. (I think I'm the unloved child at that agency right now!) And between the job rejections, & all my shit breaking, I'm still smiling.

I'm keeping my head above water, and for that I'm thankful.

Here's more things I'm thankful for:

1. Being around my family & friends.. feeling loved & missed.
2. Coffee for "after dinner relaxation"
3. My washing machine can wash an entire comforter
4. Discovering I had some after-tax money in my 401k that I can withdraw without penalty.
5. My Birks are 1,000 years old, and perfectly broken-in.
6. OrthoMax bug spray. (Judging by all the dead bugs in my house, it really works!)
7. Watching birds eat at my feeder.
8. Warranties! (& being organized enough to find the receipts.)
9. A better margarita in SC than in Dallas. (Ha!)
10. The feeling that, despite everything, I still believe in myself, & am confident I will land on my feet.

Things have been pretty shitty, but I've got a shit-eating grin. I'm standing tall, knowing it'll get better.

With Absolute Certainty

I took some time out for "me time" this weekend. Didn't acknowledge the phone at all Friday or Saturday, and most of Sunday. It was solitude that I found so peaceful and comforting. Watched some TV on DVD. Read a little. Did a couple crossword puzzles. Found myself listening to opera and piano music. Really felt old beyond my years, and yet so comfortable with that. I've been told many times in my life how I'm an "old soul," and for some reason I wholly felt it this weekend.

So with that time, I tried to sort things out. This gypsy lifestyle has me questioning so much. Way more than I ever thought I would. I'm not sure what's what anymore. I asked myself this morning what I am absolutely certain of... and I had trouble coming up with answers...

Smiles

Infectious Smiles Around the World

Smiling is contagious
You can catch it like the flu
When someone smiled at me today
I started smiling too.

I past around the corner
And someone saw my grin
And when he smiled I realised
That I'd passed it on to him

I thought about that smile
Then I realised it's worth
A single smile just like mine
It could travel 'round the earth

So if you feel a smile begin
Don't leave it undetected
Lets start an epidemic QUICK ...
And get the world infected.

- By Anonymous

So, I've been thinking about one of the reasons that this place drives me so damn crazy. People here don't acknowledge each other. Like when you walk down the street, either you smile and say hello, or you avert your eyes, so as to not make eye contact. Here they do something wildly different, and it's creepy to me. Here they don't make a point of averting their eyes - they let you catch them looking at you. I just don't get that. It's like when you do make eye contact, they don't even say hello, or do the awkward head nod, nothing. It's like you're an invisible thing.

In Baltimore, mostly people just didn't look at you. I was ok with that. Just don't make eye contact... *shrug* I guess that's what I'm used to from growing up. It's like that in California, too. (In the south, it's widely accepted that you greet strangers.)

There was one guy that I used to see on my walk home from work every morning in Baltimore - I can't remember his name anymore, but oh, what great of a smile he had! I'm not sure if he was homeless... In my mind I think he is, living at a local shelter or something. But he was always clean, and never carrying his "home" with him, so I have my doubts. Anyway, I seemed to cross paths with him regularly - he'd be walking south toward the harbor as I walked north from the harbor area to my apartment. He would always smile & say good morning.

One morning, I was walking home after work.. the weather had started to warm up a bit.. It was in the high 30's, and I ran into him right on the harbor. He was grinning and said good morning.. he asked why he hadn't seen me in a while. (I hadn't seen him in about 2 weeks) I told him that I was wondering the same about him. In the 2 or 3 minutes we stood chatting, he said his hellos and good mornings to a half-dozen passers-by. He told me, "Everybody knows me here" and that if I ever wanted to find him, just ask around for "xxx with the ponytail" (Was it John? Maybe Paul? Shit, I don't remember.) He was genuine, and precious. I shook his hand and told him that after 2 months of saying hellos, it was nice to meet him officially.

As we said goodbye, I was filled with such strong emotion I was holding back tears... Got the feeling that somehow I just shook hands with an angel. Never did see him again.. but I do think of him.

Funny how months later, his smile still stays with me. Funny how something as simple as a smile can change a world. Today I am sending you a smile. A real one- genuine. Please share it... Let's all be angels that spread joy.

Rambles & Shambles?

Not even going to pretend that I understand what's going on with the elections in Iran right now. I've tried to read news headlines, but it's lost on me. The humanitarian in me is aware that there's this so-called "peacekeeping" and stuff, but the realist in me is sick of it. I think, pending loss of life or limb (at which there is great risk), our troops have more job security than any of us right now. Bitter? Not really. Realistic. Kinda hard to think about the billions of dollars poured into others' worlds when the taxpayers here at home are sick, homeless, & not getting the healthcare they need.

There's this bullshit line that's been thrown around for years about how nurses will never hurt for jobs. Please tell that to all my friends in BFE that have lost their jobs in the last few months. Try and explain that to my recruiter who has sent my resume to countless different institutions with no response back, because they just can't afford to hire at this time. Hospitals are going under because people aren't paying, because people aren't employed and insured. People aren't getting their prescriptions filled because they can't afford them. They aren't coming in at the first sign of sickness. Instead, they put it off until it's too late. They come to the hospital sicker than they ever did.

I'm not going to harp on it.. it's just a pretty fucked situation all around. I've managed to save up about 2 months' worth of expenses, so it will be tight, but I'll be ok for a little bit. I'm here for about 3 more weeks. Hopefully, I can line up a job in this time, though. I'm kinda looking to go home and spend some time at my own house, but I also know what goes with that... sigh. *shrug* Maybe I'll keep myself busy by cleaning? I've disconnected my cable tv & internet, so it'll be ... interesting. (Define interesting as you will, lol!)

So, yesterday was my dad's birthday. Those that know me well know that Mr. Dad is #1 in my book. Always has been, and I can't imagine anyone superseding that spot. Spent about an hour talking with him on the phone last night, and it was glorious. He's not a phone talker, but since we don't see each other often, or even talk often, I think he truly delights in those phone conversations. This morning I'd done some reflecting, and I'm going try and say this without tears, but today I am so thankful for my dad's 20 years of sobriety.

That's all. Now, I must go to sleep so I can save the world tonight.

Lost.

I'm lost. Not like the TV show.. just lost. Right now, I feel a little directionless.  Ok, a lot directionless.  I don't usually put video into my blogs, and I don't think I've ever linked to anyone else's vids, but I cannot begin describe in words how much I'm relating to this song right now.

I try not to whine or harp on family things, but it's gotten to the point that I can't continue to ignore it - I don't feel important to my immediate family.  There. I said it.  It's out there, and I'm not going to elaborate.  If you know me well, then you understand.  If you don't know me well, then you don't need to know my business.

There's a job possibility that I'm looking into.  I'm not sure I want to take it, but in some ways it's probably just what I need/want.  I haven't been offered the job, and I'm not even sure I'll be offered it, but I'm supposed to hear from them for an interview next week.  I don't know.  I hate not knowing.. It's always last-minute in this business for getting my next contract, but it gets a little more stressful with this economy.

Jobs aren't available like they once were, and sometimes we need to "settle" for less than what we'd desire.  I hate that I've been feeling like I've been settling.  I'm doing exactly what I've wanted to do for years, and yet I don't feel that joy.  I'm sure the bulk of that is situational... I have no doubt if I actually enjoyed and trusted my coworkers, if I had made some good friends in the area (like I did on my Baltimore assignment) I wouldn't feel the same.  

But I do still feel lost - torn between worlds.  Friends ask me all the time when I'm coming home.  I have a house, my home, in BFE.  I continue to pay a mortgage on a home where nobody resides.  I have family there in town that couldn't be bothered to pick up the phone and call me.  And there's no work there in BFE.  So yeah, it's home.. but.. is it?  If I went back, what would I go for?  And could I continue to survive when there's a shortage of work, and an abundance of heartache & disappointment from those I'm most closely related?

I have an apartment and an income here in Dallas.  The place is nice enough, and there is plenty of work.  But I don't have any connections to the people.  I don't trust them, and I don't share their values.  Right now this place is my home, but it doesn't feel like much of one.

I have family who cherish and adore me on the west coast.  I have friends there, many of whom I haven't talked to in years, but still care for deeply.  There's work available, but it's hard to find, and it might end up sending me to facilites that I have mixed feelings about for an extended period of time.  Do I want to bind myself to these facilities?

I don't know.  Right now I'm not sure what I'm doing or where I'm going with my life.  I have no doubt I need to continue nursing.  It is my passion, and I truly believe it's my calling.  But beyond that, I'm at a loss... Right now, I have no idea where I belong in this world.

Hopefully I won't face a Next Time.

I cried on my drive home today... 
I cried for the hopelessness of our society.
I cried for the prejudices that don't wash free.
I cried for my complicit silence...

At work, 90% of the time, I'm the only white girl.  90% of the time, I'm also the only non-staff employee, and the only American nurse.  There's at least a good 10-15+ years separating me from most of the staff.  So I'm pretty secluded.  I get along fine with most of the staff, but I'm not part of anyone's circle.  I never quite feel comfortable speaking my mind, so I keep to myself.  I don't share.  There's ONE white american woman that works nights once in a while... I think she's the kind that would like to see Falwell resurrected and elected president.

Tonight while charting, two of the Indian nurses were talking to each other a couple feet away from me.  One was from the main tower, serving as acting supervisor for our unit tonight.  She was telling another, young Indian nurse about her busy night the night prior.  She started out saying how she had a lot of antibiotics to be hanging all night on this patient, then proceeds to say, "And he's gay.  And I hate gay people." Yes, that's in quotes. ... that's not paraphrased... that's exactly what she said.  My whole body nearly convulsed in horror at what I was overhearing.  She then proceeded to say how his partner was in the room, and they had a beautiful little girl.  She talked about how she didn't think it could be theirs, and they must've adopted, but how could they, because they were gay...  I couldn't move.  I didn't know whether to scream, or cry, or what.  My whole body was in shock.. she went on to say how "the little girl shouldn't be exposed to that kind of lifestyle" and how much she hopes that she's not a victim of abuse.  (Alluding to the fact that she thinks this little child would be sexually abused by her parents.)  

I cannot tell you how much that ripped me to the core.
With every fiber of my being.

I was not raised to hate ANYTHING or ANYONE.
The only thing in my life that I was allowed to hate was tomatoes..
and I was still coerced into eating them on occasion, just to be sure.

I've never once heard racial slurs, homophobic talk, sexist talk
or whatever else from my parents growing up. Never.
Never...

Shaken, I held it in for the remaining 7 hours of my shift.
Reeling... Thinking there's no way I can work these people again.
I called my mom on the drive home... 

I may have had all kinds of strange things in my life,
but without a doubt, I was raised in a world where there was love...
and hate was reserved only for things like tomatoes.

Next time I won't be silent.

Med-Surg, Mustangs, & Barbra

There are more Mustangs in the city of Dallas than there are anywhere in the US.  This isn't official facts, just an observation by yours truly.  I've seen more Mustangs on the road here than I've seen anywhere in my life.  Probably all put together, even.  -- and no, this isn't "blue car syndrome," because I don't own one, and I've never really been a fan of Mustangs.  Two people downstairs have matching silver Mustang convertibles.  There's two other Mustangs that park right in front of my building.  Yeah, there's only like a dozen (give or take) apartments in my building and there's at least 4 Mustangs here.  - My complex is huge.  I couldn't even tell you how many apts are here (There's tons of buildings) and driving around you can see soo many Mustangs - and that's only counting the ones that park in the lot.  Who knows how many are parked in their garages! (We all have our own garage)

Worked last night.  Did a shift on Med/Surg.  Oh, M/S how I've missed thee.  Not really, but kinda.  I think if I knew what I was doing, it'd be ok.  But I didn't get oriented to the floor, so I hit the ground running.   Didn't know where my patients rooms were, or where the meds were kept, yadda yadda.  ~~I'd worked last week for this hospital, but they sent me to postpartum, and oriented me there.  I probably should have had at least a few minutes of someone showing me what's where, and how things are done for them.  I asked a bunch of questions, and while nobody was rude, they just didn't have the time to show me what I needed to be doing.  I came home and thought of all the things I didn't do.  I didn't chart that I handed off communication, or do a shift summary.  I didn't chart against a careplan.  I didn't chart pain re-assessments.  Those are just the things I know I didn't do.  *shrug*  But my patients were all alive, and safe.  They were medicated.  I drew & sent their labs.  They had no complaints of care... and isn't that what it's all about?  Just keeping your head above water?  5 patients, plus an 11pm admission (making it your 6th) was a busy night.  I'd be glad to do it all again.  I am clearly a glutton for punishment.

I thought I blogged this, but I don't see it anywhere.  I think it's kinda sad that the MD upstairs moved out.  I thought it was funny to see in my building, an MD on the 3rd floor, an RN on the 2nd, and some cops living on the 1st.

Went to work on Saturday night, but they cancelled me... and forgot to tell me.  They're paying me 2 hours for "time & trouble".  Since I was in the area, I decided to pop into Ikea.  Saw a bed, and a rug, and a few other things I'd like to have.  But I'm not going to buy them... Why furnish or decorate your home if you don't live there.  It's the middle of May, and I've slept in my house exactly 2 nights this year.  -Everyone keeps asking me when I'm going to come back and stop traveling.  I continue to say that I see no end in sight for this lifestyle.

Anyway, at Ikea.  Bought an aloe vera plant while I was there.  Not sure if I'm going to move it with me, or if I'll murder it when my assignment is up.  I named her Barbra.  (Bah-bra).  Was going to name her Aloishes P. McGuillicudy Jr, (or however the hell you spell it) but thought I need to get an original name.. can't keep naming my plants after other peoples' plants.  (Andrew Nelson the 43rd will remain, however, because it's a perfect, proper, and fitting name).  She's quite beautiful, and yet so ugly.  Great condition, healthy, and firm.  But her stems go all crazy and splay out in a haphazard way.  I haven't decided if it's pretty the way she's all jacked, or if she really is all fucked up, but healthy.  She is hanging out on my dresser for now.  Will reassess in a few weeks, to decide whether I've fallen in love with her and she's worth the trouble moving, or not.

I have a thing for naming my plants.  It started with a bromeliad that I got at a Cake concert once back in the 90's.  I named her Claire Danes.  not all of my plants have been named, but certain ones garner such affection.  *shrug*  I have no kids.  I have no pets.  I have houseplants... sometimes I let them live, and sometimes I murder them.

Today I am Thankful for...

1.  My Sanity.
2.  My hearing - and vision, & all other senses & limbs, while I'm at it.
3.  The beauty of Amy Butler patterns (Duck Egg, the pattern on the left, for example)
4.  Cuddling in with my new comforter set.
5.  My gray American Eagle sweater that's the perfect blend of comfy & casual without getting bad-hoodie schleppy.
6.  Jello sugar-free Dulce de Leche pudding.
7.  The am-i-dying phone calls from Sara Jane
8.  My jobs. (plural)
9.  Massage Envy. (going to book another massage there this week, if I can)
10. Days where you just don't get dressed/changed out of what you slept in.

House

In House, things work great.  Patients come in with strange rare diseases, things that severely debilitate, or more commonly, put people on the brink of death.  And somehow things are diagonsed positively, treated and cured (or healing) all within the hour.

Let's not even delve into how perfect it is that doctors draw their own lab samples, push their own meds, & run/perform every code!  - I've only once had a patient die when ad doctor was around, and I thought I hit the lottery.  I'd never heard of that happening before, or since.  (At least not on any non-critical floor!)

I have a patient whose disease process remains an insane mystery... There is no real Dr. House to figure this shit out.

3 Jobs & a Negative Nancy

Earned a pretty easy couple hundred bucks last night working with my agency.  It was busy, but mostly easy-peasy.  I'm tired now.  They asked me to come back tonight, but I intend on sleeping today!

So, in this shitty economy, people have been scrambling for jobs... and this greedy puta has been holding 3 of them & only working at one.  Changed that this week.  Friday I mailed off my resignation for my job in BFE.  Hard decision to make, but I knew it had to be done... And last night, I took up a shift on my 3rd job (per diem agency).  I worked 14 hours: 2hrs orientation, & 12hrs on the floor with patients.  Thought it was pretty damned funny that the hospital I went to last night is part of the same company I just turned my resignation into!

I'm not one to fight, argue, or confront.  And in fact, I'm the kind of person that just gives & gives until she gives up.  Yesterday I've officially given up on a friend I'd recently reconnected with.  I'm not going to rehash everything, because it's not dramatic... Just another life realization.  Dropping another "Negative Nancy" before it can continue to drain me.  Find your road to happiness, dammit!  I can't carry you to your own happiness.  That is one road you must find on your own.

..Seeing little tiny lizards on the walls of my apartment building. (outside.)  I'm not creeped out - I think it's endearing.  I like to say hi to them as they come by.  I don't know if they can hear me.  Someday I'll have to look up whether lizards have ears.

Toes, Keys, and Other Big News

So, I've never really shared this with anybody, and if anyone's actually noticed it, they've never called me on it- but I'm going to open up and share this with you now.  I do this really weird thing with my toes when I'm just laying around, often right before I fall asleep.  It's like the right foot holds the left big toe or something.  The position really doesn't deviate.  Right always holds left; never the opposite.  I don't know how long I've done it, but it's not anything new.  
This is very big news; it's important to know, and that's why I'm bothering telling you so. - (Dr. Seuss' Sleep Book)

Yeah, I think I've quoted that book more than a couple times through the years on this blog.  Can't help it- it's still my all-time favorite children's book.  And yeah, I have it memorized. (Well, at least like 85-90%... I stumble on a few parts toward the end... I'm often asleep by then!)

So, I dropped a Sharpie in the parking lot the other day.  I accidentally ran it over with my truck, and there's dark blue stains all over the ground.  It looks like the pen practically exploded with paint, or something.  I don't know why I'm sharing that, but *shrug* I guess it's a day of sharing unnecessary lame stories?

Ok, so I did something incredibly stupid last week.  I checked my mail on the way home from work - tired as all get out after a 12 hr shift, and working on very little sleep, I was like a zombie driving home.  Well, when I put the key in the mailbox, I realized I got a package... I was so excited to see what it was, that I actually drove off and went to my apartment- leaving the key still in the lock.  But it wasn't just the mailbox key; my spare apartment key was on the ring, too.  Yeah, notso good.  The worst part was, it was like 5 days later before I realized what I'd done! ~You know how sometimes you remember things several days after a heavy drinking session? It was kinda like that... Where's my keys?  Wait a minute.. did I..? Oh shit!!  Thankfully, someone had turned it into the apartment manager.  I am so thankful for this.  
**Lesson learned: Never leave keys in the mailbox.  If you are too tired, you cannot be trusted to check your mail properly.  Wait until you are well-rested, because otherwise you could have a potentially dangerous situation on your hands!

I have so much that I think I want to say, but I dont' know where to begin.  I feel like after being away from the blogging thing for a while, I need to play catch-up.  Fuckit.. I'll do it later.  I've been up all night, and I need to sleep.

Today I am Thankful For:

1. Guatemala Antigua coffee
2.  100%'s on exams
3.  I'm past the halfway point on this assignment
4.  Rediscovering how fun it can be to write in pencil.
5.  Nathan's VEDA/VEDIM vlogs
6.  Starbucks coffee mug (bought for myself on my birthday)
7.  Straight hair ponytails
8.  Having a good memory
9.  Lomotil
10. Sit ups work quickly on me.

Just a note

I haven't been blogging.  
I still intend to, just got eight million
different things going on.  

I've been writing, though.  I'm kinda doing a recollection journal
(more on that to come, as it develops - trust me, it'll be wild)
and I'm making a point to send emails and bits of randomness
to friends a little more often... we'll see how that goes.. hmm.
-kd.

Today I am Thankful For:

1.  Being a grown-up - because as a kid, eating a plate of strawberries for a meal is not appropriate. But as a grown-up, it's considered a "healthy" low-cal dinner!
2.  Andrew Nelson the 43rd. I didn't realize how much I love seeing him up there, until I took him down to put him in the sunshine, and really felt sad when he wasn't up on the mantle!
3.  Hearing from old friends.
4.  Motrin
5.  Finding shows you want to watch online.. and not needing cable tv.
6.  Used books
7.  Feeling comfortable enough with myself that I laugh over breaking out like a 16-year-old on prom night..
8.  Homemade black bean soup.
9.  Tigi "Curls Rock" line of products.
10. My Handycam.. I still don't know how to use it too well, but I'm diggin' it.

Streptococcus & the Death Dinner

So this weekend, I ate a modified version of the "Death Dinner," and thought to myself that it's been an awful long time since I've eaten one of those.

For those not familiar with the "death dinner," let me explain.. If you've found your way here, you probably know me at least a little bit. And if that's the case, you know I have a slightly twisted, morbid sense of humor.  So, that preface aside, you know when people die, you bring food over.  It's what you're supposed to do. The "death dinner" is nothing more than the fried chicken special from the grocery store.  We always went to Albertson's -- it's fried chicken, plus Hawaiian sweet rolls, and your choice of either potato or macaroni salad. Well at one point, we'd had quite a few people we knew die in a short time - and it seemed like we'd always gone and bought (or someone we knew had bought) the Albertson's fried chicken dinner.  I began to call it "the death dinner" and the name stuck within my family. 

I'm not always crazy about fried chicken, so I almost never buy it.  But I did go to Albertson's deli this weekend and buy their macaroni salad & Hawaiian rolls.  Absolutely delicious.   ... I don't know why I'm saying this- it's just what's on my mind.  I guess there's this little foreboding voice that says "you knew subconsciously that you should be buying this," and I hope that it was all just some big coincidence.
***
I've been feeling pretty crappy lately.  Woke up Wednesday with a mad-sore throat, and it still hadn't gotten better.  On Saturday afternoon, I finally gave in and headed to get checked out.  I looked for urgent care clinics on my health plan, but none were listed as covered. (Tried to call to see if they could help, but as luck would have it, they're M-F only).  So I called the local hospital that's around the corner from my house and asked if they had an urgent care center around.  I told the girl that I hate to come to the ER  for a sore throat, but nobody seemed to be open & I don't really know my way around.  She told me that their ER wasn't busy, and welcomed me to come by.  (Whoa-really?) So I did- the place is like a quarter mile from my apartment (so convenient) and I've got to say, I was totally impressed - really. In & out in like 90 minutes.  Really really good for an ER! (especially when you come in for something lame like a sore throat.. I kept apologizing for wasting an ER visit for that!)

 Turns out it was just as I expected, and I've got strep throat.  No wonder I've been feeling all icky and altogether achy.  So, I'm rockin' the Keflex.  $75 ER copay, & $35 at the pharmacy... I guess I didn't fare too bad.  I'm starting to feel a teeny bit better, not as much blaaaah malaise (still don't feel great, but it'll come).  I've been lying on the couch pretty much all day watching movies that I downloaded from online...  Right now I'm on my 4th movie today - I don't think I've *ever* stayed still that long to watch 4 movies in a day.  There you have it, though - I've got no sick time, and I'm not really allowed to call out, so I'm just letting myself be blehhh today, in hopes that I'll be better in time for work tomorrow.

Just Some Thoughts

Seriously considering quitting my job in BFE.  I really don't want to deal with it. Haven't worked there since November, and keeping up with their requirements is the last thing I want to do - considering all the requirements for keeping up with this job here in Dallas!  I left a message for my manager but still haven't heard back from her.  I think I need to make an effort to follow up more.

Also, I'm kinda having a "moment."  I don't want to be old.  Can I turn like 22 or 23 this year?  At what point am I too freakin old to be fun & youthful? I think I may have already crossed that line... IDK.

Strawberries are good.  Always strawberries in April.. Glad I've got my birthday off- maybe I'll make myself some strawberry shortcake... Maybe I'll go to the arboretum and spend it surrounded by flowers.

Got a mad-sore throat.  Sleeping still very short amounts, but finally getting really DEEP sleep each time.  I think I'm fighting something awful- but I'm pretending that I'm fine, because I can't afford to be sick.

Wish I knew more people here in Dallas.  The people I work with aren't exactly a great bunch.  (I stand by my prior assessment of them being snobby and cliquey) Signed up for info from a per-diem agency here in town... haven't heard from them yet, but I'm interested in picking up extra shifts for some additional money - and who knows, maybe I'll meet some cool people at other hospitals! ~~ and as for booty.  I'm kinda over it.  Not in the mood for Dallas booty.  (This may change at some point in the coming weeks, but for now, I'm very "meh" about it.)

Aunt Margo made a tweet about "carrying your own weather" the other day.  I'd never heard that, so I looked it up, and was pleased to read about it... I think it's really what I'm talking about when I posted the other day about cutting cancers out of my life.  I want to surround myself with people who carry their own weather, and not play victim to "poor me" and "entitlement" syndromes.

My brain rambles.

Today I am Thankful for:

1.  Saltwater gargles for sore throats
2.  Waking up from a nap so good you don't know whether it's day or night
3.  82 degrees, sunny and very little humidity.
4.  Andrew Nelson (Shall I name him like Andrew Nelson the 43rd?)
5.  Furry teal blankets
6.  Filtered water that tastes sooo good
7.  Pumpkin coffee (Off season, and yet so fresh!)
8.  Old friends that make this big world seem itty-bitty
9. Ahava eucalyptus bath salts
10. Homemade enchiladas
11. Membership in the arboretum
12. Having a job- even when I dislike it- it's guaranteed hours.
13. Old, baggy hoodies
14. Glade "Earthly Awakening" soy candle
15. Upcoming 4-day weekend

Mushyhead

It's another random crap in my brain thing.  Like Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, just be prepared for it.. it's all over the place, but trust you won't crash.

So, sometimes I think of silly little pithy things and think that maybe I should write them down.  Usually I end up forgetting them before I get a chance for pen & paper.  And then, sometimes I really enjoy sharing a little joke just with myself.  I love my twisted humor, and I think most people don't "get" it, or me, anyway.   -Like my restraints. I had 7 patients the other night. 5 were in restraints.  Of the 2 that weren't in restraints, one was a quadriplegic.  I thought it was funny that I could pretty well guarantee he wasn't going anywhere.

Whenever my neighbors go up & down the stairs here, my apartment shakes.  But they're usually pretty quiet on the steps, so I don't hear them- my first thought is usually, "EARTHQUAKE!"  You can tell I've lived in California!  (Wonder if there's a fault line here, btw)

Heard from a guy that I was involved with back in Baltimore the other day... it truly made my heart swell, and to be honest, made something else tingle as well.  I thought I'd really fucked it up- and maybe I did, but he randomly texted me Saturday and it made me so happy to hear from him.  It's been about a month since I left there, so it was nice to know that I was still thought of.  Better closure? Maybe another get together? I hope so.  I definitely have a date if I ever make it back to B-more!  Things with us really clicked, and if I were going to stay there in town, I probably would've really let myself fall hard.  -- But I didn't.  My friends said "You're like the man in the relationships" because I wouldn't let myself get emotionally attached.  This guy was pretty amazing, though.

In this life, nothing is deserved... it is only earned.  I hate hearing people with a sense of entitlement- to anything.

I'm totally making life changes- starting today.  Actually, I started the other day, but I guess I'm not writing about it until today.  So here goes: I'm so over it.  It's time to not give a damn about others in my life. Ok, not exactly, but bear with me.  Those that love and care are going to be there.  Those that are fair-weathered, I do not need to entertain.  And I don't have time for negativity.  I get pissy-- honestly I do.  I blog sometimes about how upset I am (and truly I do get hurt and upset sometimes) but mostly I try not to drag people down.  I don't mope or sulk.  And most of the time, things don't really get to me.  

Like the joys of a child, I find happiness in the silliest of things.  When things are pretty fucked up, most of the time I find a way to laugh at the situation.  It comes effortlessly to me.  I can not continue to waste my efforts and energies showing happiness, and finding positivity to those who refuse to see.

When your body has a cancer one of two things happen: it either creeps up on you and spreads to take over, or your body notices it and walls it off.  Those that fare the best have their cancers walled off until some skilled person can help cut it out of their life.  I want to wall it off until I can cut it out of my life.  I know that I can't cut everyone out of my life like that, but I also know that I don't have time to entertain negativity and unhappiness... it will spread like a cancer.  I expect a few tumors to be walled off for a bit.  

On the flipside, I've also realized that I need to trust my gut.  Somewhere deep inside, I know how people are within the first few minutes of being around them.  I'm very good intuitively.  There are some influences - friends & family in my life that give me pure joy.  I need to nurture those relationships, because they're like vitamins to my soul.  I truly do have some amazing people in my life.

Frustration Reigns!

So I'm a little sad, a little cranky, and a little frustrated.  It adds up to a lot of unhappiness right now.  Things are not going as smoothly as I'd like... and it is stressful.  My orientation is shitty, and not getting better.  I've been taking tests to within an inch of my life... and many of the educators are so flat out disrespectful that it gets taxing to keep smiling.  

My truck isn't running smoothly & it needs to get taken to the shop.  I'm not sure what's up with it, but ever since I went to Baltimore it really hasn't run right.  (It was fine on the ride up to Baltimore!) I really think something might have happened in the valet garage, but I can't prove it.  I think my front right tire is way out of alignment.. it just doesn't drive as straight and smooth as it used to.

I'm more than a little shocked that I haven't heard from either of my parents in over a week. Talked to mom on the 16th to wish her a happy birthday - it was my 1st day of work, and I let her know how miserable it was. Does she not care enough to check up and see how things are going? Would you check up on your child, if they were living hundreds of miles away on their own- and knew that they didn't know a soul in the state and were unhappy on their first day of work?

I only got 18 hours of work last week, even though I'm supposed to have 36 guaranteed.  They were going to short us hours again this week, but I said we need 36.  Got a message from payroll today that they never received our timesheets.  Usually we get our managers to sign them, but we were told that they have their own timecard forms at this particular hospital.  This hospital now says they know nothing of it, and I'm not sure if and when & how I'm going to get paid. (And how much).  I was told "we're not going to charge you for the shortage of hours" Well duh- and I offered to do more the first week, but they said no.  I think for that alone they should pay me for the full 36, but I guess that's not how things work. 

I don't know.  I'm tired.  I'm stressed.  I just found out this afternoon what my schedule will be for this week.  I still don't know what I'm working beyond Friday.  Not being able to make plans is grating.

Now that my mini rant is over, I'm going to play thankful- because I'm not going to sit and wallow in misery.

Today I am thankful for:
- Broken ticket machine in the parking lot (free parking today!)

- Nobody broke into my home even though I accidentally left my patio door wide open
- CHI flat iron
- Urban Decay eye primer (no creases in my shadow after over 12 hours!)
- Caramel Macchiato at lunchtime
- My truck is paid off
- This assignment is fucked, but at least I'm employed
- Paying off the lawnmower
- Fresh berries on my salad
- Having tomorrow off.

Brain Tired

My brain is tired. 
This hospital is hardcore as fuck.  I got grilled on the interview.  Then I had to take 2 tests online before I could start.  Then ever since I started, they've been nonstop testing me.  Written tests, math tests, competencies.  Questioning my drug knowledge.  Making me show that I know how to insert foleys, NGs, IV's, etc.  Today I was even quizzed on a handful of drugs, including cardiac drugs that I would *never* push on any unit that I work.  Thankfully, I knew a bit about them, but still..

The whole thing is overwhelming, and makes me feel like I'm in some kind of unappreciated boot camp.  I think if they were nice to us, then I'd feel better.  I don't need someone to hold my hand, but even just once to say, "Welcome. We're glad to have you here." Instead, their attitude is, "We're the best hospital around... do you deserve to work with us?" (They didn't say it, but it shows.  Believe me.)

I'm hoping it gets better once I hit the floor.

No Dumpy Pillows... Evarrr!

Ok, well my couch- see it's your typical travel-nurse furniture set.  Get a couple travelers together, and at some point, they'll come up with the fact that they all pretty much end up with the same furniture at some point... it's a used, rental.  And for some reason, it always seems to be some kind of brown blah thing with weird blah pillows on it.

So this apartment is no exception.  Dumpy pillows have been used and sat on and smooshed to the point that they look pretty pathetic.  It wasn't cheap, but I found these new pillows in shades of aqua and lime - goose down filled... and replaced the dumpy ones with this.  I think it makes a HUGE difference, and really coincides with colors that make me happy.  Also, well worth a little bit of money spent not to be reminded that I'm living on someone else's farted-on pillows- and I've got some of my homey bright colors around.

Before:

After:


Yeah, it makes a helluva difference- to me, at least.  And I understand that it's kinda Mommie Dearest. (Hence the title)

Thoughts on Texas

Less than 48 hrs (or maybe just a little over) that I've been here, and I've already got a few thoughts on Texas

• People are way more laid back in dress/appearance.  Saw a bunch of people shopping with sweats and baseball hats on.  (yay!) I actually like this.  In South Carolina, women wouldn't be caught dead in public without big earrings, a nice outfit, and a "pocketbook" that matches their outfit.  In California, it was laid back, and I feel at home with this environment.
  
• People drive pretty ok here.  They're not assholes on the road (like Atlanta), but they're not Sunday drivers, either.  Nice and moderate.
• There's a lot of trucks here.  I've heard a big 4-door truck referred to as a "Texas Cadillac" and I kinda might see why now.
• Texans like bad food.  Lots and lots of BBQ joints, Mexican restaurants, and donut shops.  Hey, I'm not complaining.  I just bet the overall cholesterol level here is pretty high.
  
• There's a bit of social retardation here.  That sounds really wrong, and mind you, this is all generalizations from the 48 hrs I've been here.  Maybe I just haven't figured out the social rules here, but it seems people are a little awkward with strangers.  In California (and Baltimore) mostly you just don't look at people, and whatever.  In South Carolina, you look at, and smile/greet people.  Here, they seem to look at you - but it's like everyone I've seen has this weird shyness that they don't say hello, or smile, or even nod their head to acknowledge you... they just look. 
  

I don't know.  That's it for now.  I'm supposed to be studying.  I start work tomorrow, and they're supposedly giving *MORE* exams.  Ugh.  I've never been a good studier, and I have no idea what the hell kind of tests they're giving.  Mostly, I'm just staring at some pharm info online and my med-surg textbook.  (Staring being the operative word, here.)  I'm not very productive!

Friday the 13th

Drove on Thursday to see KC, Cunado, & Bean.  Aw, he's just precious.  My visit was entirely too short, but well worth the drive out of my way!  Bean slept most of the time, and KC let me hold him.  We chatted for a bit while he just slept away on my shoulder.  

I realized this was one of the first times I've seen Skyler (my "nephew-dog," as KC calls him) without bringing him a toy.  I had a stuffed puppy that's been in my truck for years (had it since before I got my truck).  I was thinking it was about time to let it go, so I passed it on to the dog.  He LOVED it!  (As usual with any toys I give him!)  He was licking the damn thing like crazy.  KC says, "there's probably coffee all over it."  Yeah, I've had my share of Starbucks spill onto the toy!  He was in hog heaven.

So today.  Friday the 13th.  I wake up in a hotel in Pearl, MS - a little town just east of Jackson MS.  All alone, in a strange place.  Been raining all night, and I really didn't sleep well - too worried that someone was gonna break into my truck and steal everything of mine.  Ok, so It's about 7am. ... between the gloomy rain, and the fresh time change, it's still dark out.  Hop in the shower.  Less than 5mins into my shower, the lights go out.  I freak out.  I fumble, and feel my way out of the bathroom... the bedroom is pitch black too.  I feel around, and find my clothes, get dressed, then open the curtains... it's STILL too dark to see!  Found my laptop, and turned it on... (thankfully it had a full battery).  It was able to give me enough light to gather my things and get the eff outta dodge.  It was pretty freaky- I kept waiting to see if I was on some sort of candid camera shop of horrors or something.

March Morning Drifts

Good morning Baltimore!  It's been snowing and raining off & on.  Some of the snow is still sticking.  Sky looks clear, but the air is full of possiblities!  It's March! I don't know... I awoke to this strange optimism this morning.  Not that I don't get optimistic, don't get me wrong - but I have this feeling of change.  Like new and good things are coming soon.  Usually I get that in October.  I'm a fall girl- I get excited in the fall for changes.  Today, however, It's March.  Spring is a couple weeks away, and I'm ready for change!

I can't believe I'm moving in a week.  *groan* I'm definitely feeling the stress of wanting to get EVERYTHING done.  And yet mostly I don't know where to begin.  I've gotten my new address - yay! But I'm trying to get the basics - like getting internet set up, etc, and I'm just hitting roadblocks.  I think my mind is not working like it should be right now.

There was this old episode of Married With Children where Al trains Kelly for a quiz show- and she memorizes all these facts.  Then she tells Al, "Daddy, my brain is full." But he keeps feeding her facts.  Eventually, she remembers the new facts but forgets everyday important stuff (like who Al is!)  I don't know... I kinda feel like that. 

Ok, I searched but I can't find the video anywhere.. but I was able to find the IMDB page for it here.  If anyone sees the video online, please send me the link! :)

So, I woke up this morning at 5am.  This is the 3rd day in a row i've done this.  Not good for a night shifter ... someone who isn't supposed to even be getting off work until 7am!  My next assignment is going to be night shift too- so we've got some work to do on keeping me up at night.  Only 3 more shifts to go here!  Really bittersweet, actually.  I've come to really enjoy this place and my patients.  The hospital is pretty much FUBAR, but the people there are pretty cool. ~ I'd hate to work there permanently though.  Maybe that's why I enjoy it so much more... because I know I'm not going to be there forever.  I said when I first started this job that I could be sent to the depths of hell, if I knew it was just for 13 weeks.  Somehow, I don't think Dallas will be a problem, though.  It looks like I'll be at a really good hospital, and my apartment complex sounds sweet! (yay!)

I'm trying to eat at home as much as possible, because I have a bunch of groceries here that need to either be eaten or thrown away.  So this morning I decided to start boiling some potatoes.  I have like a 5# bag of them.  And even though they won't spoil, I'm surely not taking them all across the country with me!  So, potatoes.  I made a variation on the potato pancake.  Kept them really thick and chunky, added the standard milk, egg, cheese, s&p - but spread them out on a buttered pan and popped them in the oven.  Wow.  Really good. (And actually a lot easier to make than standing at the griddle!)  Wish I knew someone here to share them with.. I like to cook, but I really like sharing what I make with others.

Oooh! I just looked out the window, and it's snowing pretty good now... for some reason this makes me grin with wonder and delight!  March, I like you already.

Today I am Thankful For:

1.  Mandarin oranges
2.  Pandora Radio
3.  Especially the McFrontalot station
4.  6 more shifts
5.  Aloe vera socks
6.  Paying bills online
7.  Switching to skim milk
8.  Walking to work
9.  Sleeping well
10. Text messages

Thankful - running out the door edition

1.  Not paying an electric bill at this apartment.
2.  Eating shit like sausage & donuts, and still losing weight.
3.  Microwave
4.  Blog TV isn't blocked at work!
5.  Only 8 more shifts!

Just Chillin'

Every time I turn around, I'm going somewhere or doing something. I stay hella busy, and I like it that way. And with 4 days off in a row, the possibilities seem endless. I even started to book a flight early this morning for a late-morning trip... (Was debating between Charlotte or Tampa) and then decided, fuckit... I really need to stay home and save some money. I'm moving in 3 weeks, and really still unsure of the job situation. Like I said before, I know I'll be fine with money, but I really don't need to plop down a few hundred bucks on a weekend trip right now.

So 4 days at the apartment. WOW. I haven't been here that much at ALL.. I won't know what do do with myself! I need a vacuum cleaner with a hose to pack my belongings, for sure. (Spacebags ROCK!) I may head to Towson to use the Bed Bath & Beyond coupon I have :)

Still might be tempted to go to DC for a bit, but I didn't see any events there that piqued my interest today.. Maybe tomorrow, as President's Day, there'll be some cool stuff going on. I'm not beyond a quick run to DC. (Besides, I really want to see some of the Smithsonian stuff while I'm here!)

De-Trach'd

Steven Hawking has one, Christopher Reeve had one, and so did Catherine Zeta Jones at one time. We're talking trachs!

I hate trachs. Not gonna lie... I don't do trachs. But at this job we have patients with trachs. Not ventilator-dependent, thank GOD, but still big holes in the throat that require frequent suctioning and oxygen monitoring. These patients on my unit here are all brain-injured. (Or, "scrambled eggs" as I like to put it.) They get confused and do stupid things all the time.

So, 0630 this morning.. just going through doing my last rounds before I finish my shift at 0700. One of the LPN's says to me, "I need your help, he pulled out his trach!" I came running. (Like RUNNING. Smacked my knee on something in the process, and it's starting to swell and turn purple- but that's beside the point) My patient pulled the WHOLE EFFING trach out! (Not just the cannula- the WHOLE trach!) We called respiratory, STAT. We couldn't pop it back in to save our lives -or his! It wasn't pretty. 4 respiratory therapists crowded around.. They ended up having to decrease the size of his trach since they couldn't fit it back in. (They close up pretty quickly!)

I hate trachs to begin with. I'm ok with suctioning & changing inner cannulas, but that's about it. Watching this guy in respiratory distress, with no airway had me on the edge of my seat this morning. And now that it's over, I'm pissy with him for pulling it out. I know he's all scrambled eggs, and I should be pissy with myself because I could have put restraints on him, but I'm not going to take the blame. I found out from one of the RT's that the patient has pulled his trach out like a dozen times now! *eyeroll* I hate trachs. I'm off for the next 4 days, and let me assure you, next time I come back, if he's still my patient, that man is going to be FULLY restrained for the entirety of my shift. I'm not playing that game again.

Nightswimming

Wow... well, welcome to the Feb 2009 edition of "too many thoughts in my head for my own damn good". I've been neglecting my blog a bit lately, and starting to feel some guilt build up. Sometimes just getting things out on paper or in the blog can clear my head.

"It takes more than just a good memory to make good memories"
-inside a fortune cookie that a coworker gave me. *SO* true. I love this statement.

So I went to CA last week. I arrived Wed evening, stayed all day Thursday, and left Friday morning. It was another one of those flights AFTER a long day at work.

Me: (holding up fingers) How many is 24 plus this?
Aunt: (counting fingers) Um, 33.
Me: That's how many hours I've been up now. I think I'm gonna go to bed now.

Though I accomplished most everything I needed to, the trip wasn't nearly long enough for my tastes. I took a small prop plane from SFO to SMF, and on the flight found myself looking out the window over my "homeland" where I grew up. It's gotten a little more cramped in the city, but the Ag areas are just as beautiful as ever. (Lots of farmland between the towns out that way) It was like my soul felt at peace there in CA... and I so longed to stay.

Coming back to Baltimore, I'm not unhappy, but I long for that feeling of connectedness that I'm not getting right now. And stress is the biggest factor. I'm moving soon, and I'm not sure where I'm headed next. The job situation isn't looking too hot. Travel nurses are getting cut like nobody's business. I got my CA license while I was there, in hopes that I could secure a travel job out that way. (With state-mandated staffing ratios, there's always a need for nurses.. or so everyone thought). Between flights, I checked my email, and my recruiter asked if I was willing to work in NYC (to which I responded, absolutely) - with all the budget cuts & crunches, she was having trouble locating a job in CA.

So, when I got back from my trip, I had a priority mail package waiting for me- NY licensing application. It's insane... INSANE! I don't understand how difficult filling out forms can be for a college-educated woman, but it's seriously red-tape. So I've been trying to work this out, get new passport photos, find a notary, do the NY state-mandated courses required for licensing... all kinds of crazy BS... then I get a few more emails from my recruiter... She's sent my resume to jobs in OR, NV, TN, yadda yadda. Today she emailed me and asked me if I was willing to work in AK. Alaska?! The pay is low, the weather is cold, and it's at the ends of the earth... but, alas! I have a mortgage to pay, so I told her only if it's a worst-case scenario.

Me: We're looking kinda desperate!
Recruiter: Desperate will get us a job!

But I'm doing my best not to let it get to me. I have a tendency to become reclusive when I get overwhelmed with things, and I've noticed myself heading in that direction again. I'm not sure why I allow myself to be stressed. I know that I'll be ok.. I always am. I'll be able to make my mortgage payment, and once I get home, I'll do my taxes - I expect a good refund for 2008, so I should be ok for money for a little bit once that comes through. The mortgage overcharging/tax situation should be resolved by April (yeah, I'm *still* dealing with that!) And yet... I don't know. Sometimes I just wish I had something concrete.. an idea of where I'm gonna live? Tell me at least which coast? Should I pack warm, or can I forego this big parka of mine?

"Positive attitude: The difference between being eaten alive by a shark and being okey dokey."
-Saw that on a friend's Facebook page today, and it made me smile. I guess the timing was most excellent on that.

Listened to this song a few times tonight. It's called "Miss Blue" by Filter (I don't know anything about Dr. Who or whatever the video clips are from- just close your eyes & listen). I identify so much with this song... it's like somehow it speaks to me when I'm stressed and trying to pretend I'm not. Usually I listen to it, have a good cry, then feel better.

I wish I had a patio right now.. or some outside little corner. Closest thing I've got in this high-rise right now is bolted windows. *giggle* No, I'm not whining about them.. I actually adore this place, and the concrete jungle here... The architecture of the buildings here is a-fckn-MAZING, but sometimes it'd be nice to just sit outside and cradle a cup of coffee.

Art Everywhere!

Grandpa Speed's Paintings:

Airport art:

Baby Shower & stuff

Flew to Atlanta after I got off of work yesterday morning. Yeah, AFTER my shift. I was SOOOO tired, but it was SOOO worth it! :) My Aunt Margaret (Dad's little sister) threw Keri a baby shower, & I suprised KC by showing up. (As far as she knew, I was stuck in Baltimore working). She was so happy she started to cry! (Sometimes tears are GOOD!)

Mom brought some goodies I'd had tucked away for KC & Aunt Margaret for me... (I went a little hog-wild on the Carter's stuff before I moved, and it was all at my house in BFE so mom was nice enough to put it all in a gift bag and bring it with her for me).
But I also had a few other goodies I'd bought at the local Carter's store here in MD ... along with a kickass risque top I picked up for KC at Spencer's. I really wasn't sure if she'd hate it or how she'd react.. but she *loved* it! It was a total hit! Yeah, thumbs up.. and um.. a big p3n1s! It's definitely a BOY! hahah!
Sadly, I forgot my camera, & this is pretty much the only picture I took during the whole shower (with my phone) .. and I cut off her head! (This is what happens when you're up over 24 hrs and try to function!) Thankfully, KC brought her camera, and had people taking pictures for her the whole time, so I'm sure there'll be some kind of other pics to add. (*crossing fingers*)

I did take pictures today of other little things... found pictures of Grandpa Speed's artwork hanging in Aunt Margaret's house that I photographed. I also took pictures of a couple stone sculptures in the ATL airport that moved me. (I love seeing art in unexpected places!)

I'd planned on posting these pictures at the end of this post. For some reason, I can't get the HTML to look the way I want it to.. I'll post in a separate entry once I get it all squared away!

Neither Rain Nor Sleet..

Full size picture here

Neither rain, nor sleet nor snow will keep us from getting our mail...
BUUUUUT... a president-elect speaking in the neighborhood,
and you're out of mail for a bit! Just realized there was no mail
delivery Saturday, & because of the holiday weekend, that means
no mail again until Tuesday.

Actually I don't begrudge them. The whole neighborhood
was blocked off from all vehicles... I just got a snicker from it.

Hung the Eff Over

I used to pride myself on the fact that I've never, ever thrown up from drinking. And let me tell you, it's not from any lack of drinking, either!

... Until last night.

Holy mother of GOD. I cannot believe how sloppy of a drunk I was yesterday! I went to dinner at Cheesecake factory, and had wine. Then went upstairs. Drinking at the harbor. Went to the local bar that I like there. I always get well taken care of. Made a couple new friends. They decided we were heading to the Irish bar across the hall afterward. I got more shitfaced after that. I'm pretty sure all night I was only charged for 2 beers- and yet, I distinctly remember drinking at least 4 tall beers at Uno's + a shot of Jaeger. And um, at least one, maybe 2, tall beers at the Irish bar. Maybe more.. but def at least that much.

I remember leaving the 2nd bar... walking to the intersection with Megan (One of the girls I met last night that had been hanging w/ me. Her boyfriend was a mgr at the 1st bar we were at). I got home, and couldn't find my keys, or phone or access card to get in the building. So I walked the 4 blocks back to the bar. Um, when I got back to the bar, there was nobody in there pretty much. (Except the bartender from the first bar, and some employees). They looked at me and asked "Where the fuck did you come from?" I was like from here! I told them I was just here. All of them asked how I got black shit on my face. I was like What? One guy gave me a hot towel and told me to wash the black shit off my face. (I have no idea!!) I remember washing my face, then putting the towel in my mouth to get a vomit taste off my teeth. (Yes, I'm admitting this... but I don't know why). I have a distinct feeling that before I walked home, I threw up on the bathroom floor of the 2nd bar. - I have a fuzzy memory of someone (Megan?) saying something about having had pasta for dinner, and I asked "How'd you know I ate pasta?" (Um duh, because I was probably fucking wearing it!)

One of the girls there, she just kept questioning me. I was like, "I promise, I was just here. I got drunk, and walked home." Then she helped me go through all my pockets. Wouldn't you fucking know, all my shit was there, just hidden in *deep* pockets!? I felt worse the more she pointed out how fucked up I was. She gave me her hair tie- my hair must've been everywhere. She pointed out that I need to throw my shoes in the washer when I get home because they had vomit all over them. She kept telling me she was calling me a cab- and me, concerned that I had no cash, wouldn't let her. I was like, "I live 4 blocks away, and it would take longer to do that than to walk anywway." She took down my number, and actually texted me to make sure I got home. (Said she'd call missing persons if she didn't hear from me in 1/2 hour.) I think she is amazing. That was so uber-cool of her.

Made it home safely, and let myself in without problem the 2nd time. Stripped off all my clothes in the dining room, and passed the eff out. Now it's 8am, and I stink like vomit, and I have a pounding headache. (I totally did this to myself!) I work tonight, then as soon as I get off, I'm flying straight to Atlanta for my sister's baby shower. Fuck.

Going back to sleep now to try and recuperate.

Just so you know

You haven't actually lived
until you've seen PROACTIV
sold in a vending machine.

IASwIW & other shopping

Guess where I went yesterday! Yeah, that's right, Bitches! :D
Those of you on MySpace might remember my blog thread titled IASwIW..
If At Safeway I Would...

Over 5 years since the last time I was in a Safeway.
Yeah, and I pretty much didn't do anything that I said I would!
Mostly because I couldn't! The stuff I chattered about pretty much was exclusive to
California (or west coast). Sorry, link is for friends only. My Myspace stays private!

I didn't even buy a bottle of wine there. Really!!
Didja know that in MD grocery stores can't sell beer or wine?
Very strange. It all has to be sold at the liquor stores! Weird!
I just thought that was funny, because when I think of Safeway, I
associate it with their amazing wine selection. And in CA, you can
buy ANYTHING in the grocery stores.

PS. Maybe it was just the town I was in (Hanover, MD) but
Safeway wasn't quite as cool as I remember it. Probably because
last time I'd been shopping in Sonoma county, and that's just a
whole different entity. *shrug*

Did a little shopping while I was in Hanover. They have a huge mall there. Good times. Usually I hate shopping, but I enjoyed myself today. I'm still gonna need something to wear next week. I packed hella light for this move & definitely didn't pack clothing for festive occasions. (What the hell do people wear to baby showers, anyway?) KD may just wear um, her new pair of American Eagle jeans? Speaking of this trip... um... what the EFF was I thinking flying back into BWI on 1/19!?!? Oh guaranteed insanity. I may just consider calling for airport shuttle service. It's like $30 each way (which would cost me way more than parking) but for sheer hassle-free living, I may do it. Baltimore is expecting a huge influx for the inagural ceremonies, and BWI will most definitely be no exception!!

I booked my trip to Atlanta for next weekend.
Going to Sacramento for 2 days in February.
Moving again in March.
2009 is gonna be all about bouncing around!

PS. I think I'll really be sad when Sam Adams Winter Lager isn't on tap again. Love that stuff. I totally found a Chevy's in Hanover and was drinking a tall one with some fajitas at noon on Sunday. It was fantastic. (Except for the weird bartender that kept hitting on me and asking for my phone number- but hey, good food and good beer made it all ok!) Chevy's - another place I hadn't been since I left CA! The corn-hole was just as good as I remembered it! *giggle*

Charting

Yeah, it's really not good when you're halfway through filling out your flowsheet on a patient, then go, "Wait, who am I charting on, again!?" Lots and lots of boxes to fill out for even our most stable (non-medical) patients!

Paper charting on 8 patients is a LOT of writing. Thankfully, most of them are pretty stable and don't require much narrative. Once the eight million boxes are checked, I'm ok for most of the patients. I'm pretty much really starting to feel comfortable and enjoy my job. Most nights I work with some really awesome staff. The LPN I usually work with kicks ass. She & I started at the same time, so I was afraid at first that it'd be like the blind leading the blind, but it wasn't. She's great. And the techs.. oh my gawd. I've never seen such great help. They do so much, without even being asked- so I have time to get all my paperwork crap done.

And while this job is SWEET, and easier than any I'll ever see again, I've already decided I'm not renewing. It's not that things aren't good- the assignment is good, the city is great, and the pay is OK. I want to bounce around the continent for a while. I imagine the travel thing will get old fast, and I really want to see what's out there. Besides, I kinda get bored if I don't see wounds, needles and labwork after a while. ~ Like I said before, the number of assignments available right now looks really thin, and at least I know that I can keep this one if I need to! Backup plans are always good!

PS. I'm so going to hell for this, but I LOVEEE some of these fucked-up patients! They just make me laugh. I wish I could share them with y'all. I have one that has a head that looks like a deflated basketball. She's so messed up, and so damn funny. I can't think of her without bursting into laughter!

Take the Stairs!

Took them down, at least... on the way to the gym to work out.
If I wasn't so worn out, I probably would've taken em back up.
Solid marble steps and wood bannisters. It's really pretty.
Stairwells like this don't get much attention when in a
high-rise apartment!

Purple Capitol

Ok, seeing the capitol building all lit up in purple means nothing to most people. But I guess I see the irony or twisted humor in it. In the Carolinas, you can pretty much like 95% guarantee any time you see a building with purple lights on it- there's porn inside! Really!

So, I thought it was funny that the city hall or capitol (or whatever the hell building that is) was all lit up in purple when I looked out my window!

Come to find out, it has something to do with Ravens pride. They've got some "Paint the Town Purple" thing going. Still. I love the innuendo that comes to mind.

30 Days In, & Chance Cards SUCK

this is the harbor, as seen at about 730 am on my walk home from work.

I just realized that I've been here in Baltimore for 30 days.
I move again in 9 weeks! Holy mazola.

I went online to look at where contracts are available, and right now I'm not liking too much of what I see. Very few contracts at this moment.. it's kinda scary. Hospitals are tight-budget and travel/agency employees are easy to cut. (But for now, at least I'm working).

As for Baltimore-
I kinda like it so far.
Cold. Full of concrete.
But not too bad.


I feel like I'm starting to completely understand
the orange Monopoly cards all too well.

The county made an error and charged my property tax at the wrong rate. They sent me a tax bill for like $2400 or something. I went down to the assessor's office and got it all corrected (or so I thought) back in November. Afterward, it dropped to like under $700. Huge difference! Well my mortgage company paid the higher bill as soon as they got it. They sent me a letter a couple weeks ago stating that there was a deficit in my escrow account, and I needed to pay $1700 immediately. (Um HELL no, I'm not paying that!) So I called the Mortgage company, thought I got it all straightened out. I guess it didn't.. because on January 1, they raised my monthly mortgage bill by $300 "to cover expected escrow costs."

Really!? REALLY!? I should have an OVERAGE already in my escrow account, and you're charging me an additional $300/ month for the tax office error that was already fixed? The whole situation is pretty much fucked, to be honest. Um, dear credit card company.. I'll continue to make monthly payments, but paying off the thing probably won't happen right now- my money is kinda tied up. Maybe this is how the banks are saving themselves during this credit crisis? Do they hold on to ALL money they can?