loathing

I hate Verizon Wireless with the white-hot heat of a thousand suns.

Yuckas

(not an all-inclusive list)

• Tomatoes
• Curry
• Lawn Gnomes
• Local commercials
• fish (the kind you eat)
• sunburns
• laundry
• allergies
• diets
• that Burger King guy
• Nutra-Sweet (and other fake sugars)
• crickets

The Agnostic

I don't believe in heaven
And I don't believe in hell
But for some reason, I'm drawn
to the idea of purgatory,
that waiting, staging time
between worlds.

I think they're there, watching
me and listening to me as I
clean their still-warm bodies.
Some in shock and horror,
some smiling down,
following me around the room.

And so, I often talk to them-
but then again, maybe it's just
to myself and the figments
of my imagination.

walls

I am sick of crying. Sick of being emotional. Sick of being on my period.

I don't like to let my guard down. Somehow I've dropped that wall and I'm terrified now, with my defenses gone.

But the walls were invisible, and I don't think he realizes that they were ever there -

Miss Blue

Got that song in my head today. Don't know why. Just do. Got it in the CD player right now. It's by Filter, on their album "Title of Record". Tried to find a clip of it for your listening pleasure, but I guess it was never released as a single, because it's like nowhere.. Here's the lyrics, though.

Relay for Life was tonight. I really wanted to go, but I'm having a rough night. Every month I'm down for the count at least 1-2 days. :(

Worked last night.. Stayed up until 1:30 this afternoon trying to clean up the guest bedroom across the hall. That room has become my "closet" of sorts, and I'm not sure what to do.

That's all for now.

Mind spewing...

Decided my brain needs to freeflow again tonight. Going to stick with bulleted points since i've no desire to stay within any grammatical parameters!

• Pulled out my "Physiology Coloring Book" yesterday... Don't really know why, but I love the drawings. Seeing things laid out visually, (or drawing them out myself) really helps me learn. Some of my best notes involve my own renderings. I'll have to scan some in - you can see they're quite helpful at best.... humorous at worst (but that's not so bad either!)
• This evening is laundry night. My 4th load is in the washer as I type this. (Yay me! - this is the point where you, the reader, applaud, dammit!) For those of you who know me, you understand that LAUNDRY is my kryptonite. I loathe it in ways I cannot fully describe. I'm one of those people guilty of owning like eight hundred pairs of underwear just so I don't have to wash them often. I don't understand where this all came from. I don't think I always hated it... I just do now.
• I think I popped yet another verteberae or something crazy on my back. There's a new place that hurts. To the point I actually lied down with a book & a heating pad. I'm usually impervious to this, but I'm getting to the point where I'm highly inflexible. Really considering seeing a chiropractor out here. I miss my Chiropractor from back home. Wish I could make regular visits back to CA for chiropractic, and dentists, etc. I don't trust just anybody, ya know?
• While doing laundry, I came across my new dress. I bought it a couple weeks ago. I thought it looked so awesome (in my words, "i'm bumped up to at least an 8 when i put it on!"). Well, leaving for HK's funeral was kinda last-minute... so I packed the dress. Maybe that wasn't the smartest thing. (Besides the fact that there was probably more cleavage than fashionable at memorial services...) in the same vein as the "funeral skirt" will I forever associate it as such? I think I need to have a hot date to wear it on... one that renders other associations.
• Mamacita & Mr Dad bought me a "room air conditioner" this past weekend. It rocks like you wouldn't believe. It's not a window thing, but a portable unit. It works so much better than the central air here upstairs!
• Tomorrow is Wed. I work again Thursday. I'm LOVING working full time, and still having 4 days off a week. On my days off, I'm actually still keeping up at nights and sleeping in the am/afternoon. Not flip-flopping my days and nights really makes a difference. And not having a test every time I turn around helps too!! I don't think I could ever be a Mon-Fri 9-to-5'er again!
• Finished my designing of the SCQC logo for the state convention. Poor Aunt Denise has been wanting it for a while, but I'd plumb (plum?) forgotten all about it. I hope it goes over well - after all, I did spend a good bit of time on that sucker.
• I've decided that since I've been such a "good girl" - and by that I mean accomplishing all I've set out to do today - I must reward myself with beer. Mmmm... off to the kitchen I go!

Happy Birthday Somebody?

Feel like I'm forgetting someone today. I'm thinking it's someone's birthday, but I can't remember who.

Fell asleep last night with a med-surg book in hand. I was somewhere in in "treatment of pancreatitis" - and next thing I knew, it was morning. So what if I'm on summer vacation? I'm not going to let my mind go further into mush. Sometimes I really wish I'd struggled to learn as a kid - because then I might have at least learned how to study. I'll be honest - nursing school is NOT academically challenging... at least not for me. It just takes a lot of time. I haven't studied much. The only course I really read a lot for was maternity nursing. That's it. I'm not proud of it; it's just the truth.

Cleaned the house today. Swept, dusted, vacuumed, etc. Just call me Hazel. Felt productive... Wonder how long this'll last. I think I'm going to need to pick up some extra shifts at work. There's only so much one can do between now & the end of August. Boredom would prevail way too quickly. (Believe me, I'm not gonna study that much!) Besides, I'd like to take a trip back to CA, & I could really use come cash for it.

On death & HK

• The death dinner: it's been 3 days & I haven't had any fried chicken yet. But I've been craving Mexican. And meat. Lots of meat.
• I remember HK hated Chinese food. I think he's the only one. Who the hell else hates Chinese food?
• Mom & Dad are pulling out pics. Some of them & honestly can't tell which is HK & which is my father.
• I told dad on Sat, "That's your twin with four years separating you." He said, "I know."
• I don't know what I'd do if I'd lost my sibling. I don't really want to think about it.
• Dad doesn't want to think about the possibility of mom going. He said he didn't plan on going first because he's 12 years older. To which I responded, "I don't think anybody planned on Meghan Gumbelevicius going at eighteen years old!" We shared a moment of silence after that. ~~ I still am saddened by Meghan's death, & feel she was gone way too soon. Though I never call or write, I think about Karin, Dr John, & Carol on a pretty regular basis.
• I need to tell Keri about my funeral skirt. It's the cream, tan & black plaid one. I gave it to her with a bunch of "nice" clothes that I don't wear anymore. I've worn it to like 3 or 4 funerals - had to take it out of circulation because after a while you tend to see the same people at these events (think Four Weddings & a Funeral) - well to wear the same damn skirt every time you see some of these people - it just gets old kinda fast. But I still have to tell Keri to wear it on Wed - for HK - for me.
• I love that HK had such great humor.
• I am so relieved to know that Kirven (K4) has made peace with him.
• When I think of HK, I think of my dad; I told dad that. I said "you guys are exactly alike", to which dad replied, "Except HK married the wrong bitch."
• Wonder if I'll see Matthew. Wonder if Matthew will talk about HK coughing.
• Wonder if Johanna will pass out at her hudband's service the way she did at Uncle Bob's?
• Wonder if Uncle Bob was there to welcome HK up at the pearly gates. Wonder if HK said, "Oh Shit, even in Death I can't get way from my family!"