Confession

I find Southern food to be incredibly bland,
overly salty, and often (usually) entirely
too greasy for human consumption.

It should come with warnings
on the packages. Like cigarettes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

House shopping. Found a perfect one, or so I thought... Someone bought it. Yes, alas! My home is under contract with someone else! Will continue to look for another "perfect" property. Trying, at least.... but getting bogged with the listings is a lot of homework.

... And it wasn't until after I wrote that did I realize how "punny" that was.

Euphemisms

* Potassium Push.
* Pillow Treatment.
* A-line to Low Continuous Wall Suction.

Just a few euphemisms I've heard on the job. :)
#3 is my personal favorite - all credit to Dr. Bhandari for that one!

The Pits.

Being sick is the pits.

Working through it & pretending you're fine is a great coping mechanism - though it sucks, because in the long run, your body is still being run ragged.

Took care of a lady with a HgB of 4.6 the other night - Fibroids & anemia. Sad. She got 4 units of blood. I hope she's doing well.

Dating: Not in a few months. Took a break from the scene for a while. Torn between going back to dating, or focusing my energies on myself (which I find way more rewarding.)

Random Sputterings

So sleepy, but figured I'd write just because.

Random sputterings = interesting reads in the future.

Clusterfuck @ work when I came in at 3pm. It's a fucking wonder I was able to leave @ midnight. I actually would've even left "on time" @11:30 had the others been ready for report. It frustrates me when I give report to several nurses. (My load is oft split when I leave). ANd it irks me even more so when they act like they've got all the time in the world to take report - like they're in no hurry. Stupid.

Couldn't kill them to get report @ 5 minutes to 11... or even at 11pm! Instead, they wait 'till 1130. *sigh* whatever. Had a lady with K+ of 2.5. She got moved off our floor to a telemetry room just as soon as I showed up. (She was supposed to be my patient). We had 2 others @ 3pm transferred to a tele bed. A "frequent flyer" d/c'd, and a most hideously obnoxious pt d/c'd to a rehab facility. ... only to be turned down admission by the facility while en route!

Trans-Med had to turn around & bring her right back. She wasn't gone 1/2 hour! What a waste of paperwork, eh?! Like I said, clusterfuck.

And then at 4, we had 2 fresh surgeries hit the floor at the same time. *sigh* Both our techs were in a "mandatory staff meeting!" I have no idea what this meeting was about. I was clearly too busy to attend!

Inertia

Didn't do much of anything today. Read a bit. Lost an auction at the last 30 seconds on a lot of books I'd wanted to read. Bummed, because they're out of print, but I guess not altogether impossible to find. Besides, I've got like 4 books coming from Amazin in the next week or 2. I think I'll be ok.

Actually, went for a walk-jog this morning before I went to bed. I'm completely out of shape, & last night (this morning) there was a mini "Eureka!" moment where I had a little inspiration that created energy, I couldn't deny it. I've lost a couple pounds since January, but not much. I'm starting to feel like I'm finally 100% normal again - I don't need to baby my body anymore. I'm no longer losing countless units of blood, and I no longer feel as though my abdomen might split back wide open. It's time for me to work with this body of mine - Time to let my body work for me once again. Inertia is powerful, but I've got to start somewhere, I guess.

I don't want to be a hardbody, & I definitely don't want to be that 128-lb rib-sticking-out waif that I was back in the ex-mex days. I'm just ready to feel like I did when I was 23: 145 lbs, perfect size 12. Still clumsy, but in shape enough to climb up onto things without worrying of my fat ass tumbling.

I'm ready to go back to the carefree days where my body & I work as one, not fighting every step, every breath.

Maybe I'll work out again tonight before bed, too.

At Death...

The energy doesn't cease
at the moment the
electrical impulses do.

Something stays around,
if just for a minute or two.
Something hears
death's reaction.

Hearing is the last to go.
And so, I often talk
to the newly dead.
Assuage them.
Let their last inputs
be postive,
encouraging ones.

Who's to say there's
no understanding-
that electrical inputs
are no longer being
received by the brain?

Sign.

I'm in a funk, and I know it.
I just need some time & I'll come out.

Remember that episode of Will & Grace
where they all try and cheer Grace up...
and all she wants to do is lie in bed & mope for a bit?

--That's me right now.
Don't want to talk, visit,
socialize, or laugh. Just need
a few somber melancholy
days, & I'll be fine again.

Time-Out

Melancholy today.
Ready for another
self-inflicted time out.
It's who I am.... It's what I do.

Sometimes I really hate that about myself, but I've come to accept that it's just my nature. Some people bully me about it, but those that are closest know it's not personal.

It's been a very rough couple weeks & I'm ready for a break from it all.

My head is hurting, & I've been overly stressed. I was offered the opportunity to be put on call this evening - working only the 1st 1/2 of my shift. I snatched it up without reservation!

Chipped one of my teeth on a fork trying to bite into a cucumber earlier this evening. It's not very conspicuous, but it's sharp & driving me crazy. I kept looking at the fork wanting it to look like it just got out of a garbage disposal, but nope, straight tines - the chip was all me. *sigh*

I wish I could have a secret hiding spot to go to & meditate for a while. My mind is too cluttered here.

Crackheads Make the World go 'Round

Friday the 13th, and I'm not even superstitious,
but whoah nelly... sucked balls. Thankfully it
wasn't with a full moon. (now THAT I believe in!)

I'm convinced that someday there'll be a study proving that crackheads make the world go 'round... showing that, like ants, if you took them out of the food chain eventually all our life as we know it would cease to exist. In the meantime however, the crackheads are driving me batty. 4 of my 6 patients the other day were, & I think that's pretty extreme. My patients sucked, and they ran me ragged, but I was there every 4 hours with the Demerol or Dilaudid & Phenergan cocktail, so we got along... for the most part.

Wonder if there was a shortage of drugs on the streets this week?

Shoe ban

So a manager from another floor stopped me today... told me my shoes were cute, and she hoped I didn't just buy my shoes. They're going to be banning Crocs & other shoes w/ the holes on top here in the hospital soon. It's funny, the holes on top is the primary reason I've never worn those before. But I did just receive these cute Airwalks from Sandy as a gift just last week. *sigh* i guess they'll have to be relegated to yard shoes only, now? Ah, well.. maybe I can get a few extra days in before the ban! Hella cute, aren't they?

Mmmm... coffee

So yesterday I stopped off at Starbucks
while I was heading over to the bridal shower
... I thought I ordered an iced grande latte
... I guess I acutally ordered an
iced grande white mocha (not even realizing it).
What a pleasant suprise!

Airline Tip

Just a little Tip:
When flying, be sure to keep your
keys with you on your carry-on...
Because if you happen to fly
on Delta Airlines, and they happen
to forget to put your luggage
on the airplane.....
You will be stuck at the airport
until they decide to ship your luggage.
..and that may involve three hours
....hanging out at the airport
.........just waiting.

Only a Nurse

Only a nurse
could sit through a course on wound vacs,
while eating bagels and drinking coffee.

Blatherings...

Hot.
Humid.
(rained earlier)
Too hot to sleep.
Uncomfortable.
Should sleep -
or at least be
productive, & clean.
Instead, I bitch
about the conditions
and waste time
writing mindless
blatherings.

You Need More Practice

I hate to admit
because I know it's so unfair
but first impressions are
Everything.

And first dates -
well, it's impossible
to have a "do-over"...

It's unfortunate,
for both of us, really,
that, in person,

You are not the same
smiling, secure, doting
person you were
on the phone.

I'll say nothing
about physical appearance,
For I know that to be
superficial,
and even "overlook-able."

But behavior & demeanor,
no, those I cannot ignore.

Methinks you need more practice?

Dating Doozy

Ok, now I've been on some doozy of dates... not gonna lie! This most recent one has left me scratching my head wondering "WHAT THE FUCK!?!?" And it's so sad, because we'd been talking for nearly 2 months before we could coordinate our schedules enough to hang together! For those of you guys out there in the dating world, and I know there are plenty of you, please PLEASE pay attention...

Kendra's Dating Do's & Don'ts

1. DO show up on time! ~ I know, the whole "fashionably late" thing is talked about all the time. Well, let me tell you ~ unless you've got a flat tire or some other emergency on the way over, the message you send by not showing up on time is, "It's ok if I'm a bit late... She'll wait for me, & I'm worth the wait!" Sorry, guys. Our time is vaulable too. The fact that a girl shows up on time means she's planned this date properly... no last minute fussing in the mirror! And as for the double-standard, you're not gonna hear me preach one iota about it... because I believe both daters should extend the same courtesy! You wouldn't show up late on your first day of work, would you?

2. If you happen to be more than a nanosecond late, DO apologize for the wait! An apology will cost you nothing, but it can save a date from spiraling down really early! If she calls you from the agreed meeting place and asks where you are ~ and you haven't even left your house yet... unless she's REALLY EARLY, you've got some apologizing to do!!

3. For the sake of all that is holy on this planet, when you meet your date for the first time, DO give her a freakin' compliment! Even if she's an utter disappointment, for goodness' sake, you can find something to compliment on! (if you're looking for things to say, here's some ideas: "Wow, you smell very nice!", "Nice outfit!", "Great Shoes!") ... think of a couple. Please find something sincere. Yes, sincere! A girl can smell bullshit from a mile away ~ she might just be polite enough not to call you on it! Even if your date seems like a dud, please be polite... a) it's good practice for your next one, and b) You never know what hottie might be friends with your date! Keep it nice.

4. DO have a plan! At least have some kind of notion on how you're going to spend your date! Ideally, you should have told your date beforehand, but if not PLEASEEEE do not say, "So, what do you want to do?" or "Where do you want to eat?" That's just freaking LAME. This is a date, not two old friends hanging out... treat it like one!

5. Anyone with any sense of etiquette will tell you, DO NOT answer your cellphone! Emergencies happen, and these are understandable exceptions. And many people set up calls from their friends as an "out" in case the date is a complete waste. These phone calls are acceptable as well, but you should not have more than ONE ... yes ONE in a date, and they should last no more than a minute! (Seriously, that's all you need is a minute to play the best friend with appendicitis card!) If your MOTHER calls you more than two times during the course of your date, and there are no life & limb emergencies, just give up.... Drop your date back off, and go hang out with mom, because you are a bona-fide momma's boy, and do not deserve to be out dating!

I've got more, and will have to update in time, but these are the ones at the top of my mind.
Thanks ... or NO THANKS... to "DetectiveMan" who broke EVERY SINGLE ONE of these rules
on my date this past weekend. *Sigh*
If only I had the heart ... or the balls to just tell him YOU SUCK...
Instead, I'm ignoring text messages. I'm sure he'll get a clue eventually....

States I've Visited

I started this new thing... Logged into this website called 43 things. It's pretty cool. You start thinking about the things you want to do, and there's people that talk about meeting these goals. Anyway, long story short - one of my goals was to visit all 50 states. I found a website that generates a map of states visited, to keep track. Pretty dang cool, so I thought I'd blog my states visited, to date.

My Visited US States

Get your own Visited US States Map from Travel Blog

Damaged

A lone tear
hesitates
then succumbs to gravity
slowly burning
as it travels
chinward.

I'm wearing toothpaste
but no makeup.
Someone out there
would think it
endearing.
But me, I feel
frumpy and small.
Inadequate.

I'm the hard-ass
that needs reassurance
and wordless
conversations.

I'm a little bit damaged.

The Magic, The Nurse, and Crash Landings

I love Grey's Anatomy. Even when it's over, I sat there, face tear-stained & wet, eyes puffy. Just breathing. I love the show - it takes me for a ride every week, and I look forward, always to the next installment. I have to wonder, with the intensity of this 3-parter, what the hell Shonda has in store for us for sweeps in March!

P.S.: Loved Bomb-Tech guy... loved him so much in his whopping 2 episode appearance. It gave me great joy to see him back, if just for a fleeting death moment! <3

I miss my best. Would love to settle in and tell him about the things in my world. He always has such great perspective. Protective, I feel safe when he's around. If he were here, I'd tell him about work, about my thoughts... I'd be interested in his take. He reads into me and feels me - he gives insight. To the things inside me that I just can't seem to put a finger on. I suppose someday I'll find another one, but I wonder if that magic exists elsewhere. Definitely "the one you can't live without." But I hope in this world, there's more than one I can't live without. I miss the magic.

Got my license on Wednesday! Drove to Columbia - yay me! Now if ony I can end the Nurse Tech gig, and start doing the real thing. I feel so out of practice. Would love a bigger paycheck! And really need new challenges & diversions. After all the busyness of the last several years, this sudden change of pace is akin to a free fall with a crash landing!

Old Soul

You Are an Old Soul

You are an experienced soul who appreciates tradition. Mellow and wise, you like to be with others but also to be alone. Down to earth, you are sensible and impatient. A creature of habit, it takes you a while to warm up to new people. You hate injustice, and you're very protective of family and friends A bit demanding, you expect proper behavior from others. Extremely independent you don't mind living or being alone. But when you find love, you tend to want marriage right away. Souls you are most compatible with: Warrior Soul and Visionary Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

I've been called an "Old Soul" on several occasions, so this doesn't surprise me. Most of it is pretty head on.. Some of it, though is crazytalk - like the wanting marriage as soon as you find love, because that's definitely not me

Toast, NCLEX, & Nerves

It's starting to hit me. Feeling a little bit nervous. Slightly inadequate. Keep telling myself I'll be ok, and logically, I know I will. But little anxiety is normal. Glad I'm not still throwing up. Yesterday, I finally ate again, around 11:30 am. 2 pieces of cinnamon toast, and sips of Gatorade (Which I'd been sipping on since Sunday).

I was so sore yesterday - every inch of my body hurt. A hot shower, & 800 mg of Motrin provided a good bit of relief. Tonight, felt still a little yucchy, but hungry - since the toast went down & stayed down earlier, went for that again. It's been about and hour, & it's stayed down, but with the anxious nerves going, it doesn't feel so hot.

PSA

Don't eat eggs past their expiration date.
Sometimes they'll be fine, and sometimes
they'll makeyou throw up in a Barnes & Noble shopping bag.

Definitely feeling vomiticious today.

Two Theory

Few months ago, I said something about things happening in 2's rather than 3's - for my world. Well I still agree. This past week, I've heard from two of my favorite people from my past... neither of which I'd heard from in years. Good stuff. I can't help but wonder what's up with it, though. Is something shifting in this world? Am I sending out vibes that are making people think of me? If so, I hope it's in a good way.

NCLEX soon. Nervous. Cramming.

Welcome February

It snowed today! It was great!! Got about 2" or so. Naturally, I had to go out and play in it! Here is a pic of the bistro set out in the woods; I thought it turned out pretty neat. I actually took video, too, but not sure how to do the cell phone formats into regular ones.

Pierced Girl

Singing to myself,
a tune of strawberry patches and
faeries with effervescent wings,

I back down the driveway,
careful not to run down
precious woodland critters.

Moist warm clouds on my breath,
I push back a stray curl,
and think of the pierced girl
who said, "But it's fun to
watch 'em bleed."

The Boob Tube

Since I've been out of school, I've found myself more in love with TV than ever. I don't know where the hell it came from - mostly a craving for mindless entertainment, I suppose. I've been on mental stimulation overload: stress, feeling unwell, & of course, school facts floating in the head. So I'm only slightly embarrassed to admit just how many shows I'm watching regularly:

Prison Break
Top Chef
Desperate Housewives
Grey's Anatomy
House
The Class
Real World
Boston Legal
Ace of Cakes
I Love New York*
The White Rapper Show*

*ok, totally embarrassed to admit these ones have drawn me in!

What can I say? *shrug* TV is just fun right now. I didn't used to be so interested in tv - rarely watched it, actually. It serves its purpose. I'll never be the pretentious person who states "I never watch TV." You know the folks: those with the accent of arrogance dripping in their voice. Hell, I used to work for the cable company. I had like 500 channels quite literally at my fingertips. It didn't much interest me back then; right now it does.

Clumsiness

So, last night, went out with Kara & the girls. It was Monica's birthday, and she wanted to go to Coyote Joe's. I'm not 100% sure I liked the place, but I did like that it wasn't a meat market.. and heck, with a great group of people, you could have fun anywhere! They could make the DMV fun.

Still waiting for my paperwork to be processed, so no idea when I can take the NCLEX. It's getting frustrating. All my paperwork has gone through, but the stuff from my school has not. The school sent all my papers to NC board of nursing, even though I requested SC (eyeroll). I know I'm not in a "race" to take the exams, and I have to stop and think about how I've had a LOT go on since graduation, but still... I'm anxious to get this over with.

I have a bunch of stuff on my mind that I want to type out, but ... well, clumsy me slipped & fell on the stairs tonight, (just the last 2, thank God) so my knees & wrists are hurting pretty good, and typing is not the most comfortable thing. This is not the first time I've slid & fell down the stairs... and it's no wonder I'm *always* paranoid when I go down them.

Speaking of clumsy - need to remember to write about clumsiness & Coyote Joes next time...

Wiki Wacky Woo!

Wow... The infamous Wiki Wacky Woo. Almost giving me flashbacks!

http://daviswiki.org/WikiWackyWoo

Yes, I was one of the "lucky" ones who was initiated into that club when I turned 21. All I really remember is I was with "the Ex-Mex", (if you don't know, don't ask) and Gerald, our roommate at the time. We drove up to Davis in my car... They were trying to pick out the "ultimate" drink for me, for my first legal weekend drinking. The bartender, and half the crowd at the bar suggested I get the Wicki Wacky Woo...

I remember watching the bartender pour all the clear liquors they had into this freakin beer glass. It was a whole beer glass full of hard liquor! I don't remember there being as much juice as the recipe listed lol, because there was something in it, and that disappeared quickly, and then I was drinking a glass full of ice and clear liquor. I didn't want to finish it, but they made me finish the whole thing. It tasted like something that should've been coming UP instead of going down - bleh.

But in looking at what the drink was created for, it was highly effective. When we went to leave, I staggered to the curb, and kinda landed/flopped on the hood of my car, because I wasn't coordinated enough to step off the curb in my heels, and then open the door. What a mess!

Thankfully, that was my one and only experience with the WWW!

Yay for a Tiny Uterus

So, according to the doc my uterus is "teeny-tiny".
This is great news... really.
I've gotten the go 'head to do whatever I want now -
baths, tampons, work, exercise, intercourse...
and this makes me so very happy!

Total PMS

Chocolate dipped Mothers' Animal cookies.

If this isn't PMS, I don't know what is!

On Recovery & Denial

So here's the thing - I'm going through both.

Still recovering from my abdominal myomectomy, which was exactly a month ago today. And in many, many ways I've been in denial about it - even before the operation.

My bleeding was alleviated greatly after my first surgery in August, but the relief wasnt total, and its effects were not permanent. I bled. A lot. Extremely anemic, I experienced dizzy spells, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, extreme fatigue, and so on... just from the anemia. My concentration levels sucked, and instead of being an active participant in my life and what was going on around me, I mostly just floated in a haze from day to day. Things were bad, and deep down, I knew it, but I was in denial. And denial was an effective coping mechanism for some time. I knew I'd need this second surgery - my Dr & I talked about it in September. I told him I absolutely needed to put it off until graduation, and he said that would be fine.

And so it began. But things got worse for me. My dizzy spells & heart palpitations grew more frequent. I truly worried getting behind the wheel - afraid i might hurt someone if I passed out or got too dizzy. So, I went to my primary doctor about my dizzy spells & fatigue. We already knew I was anemic, as my GYN regularly checks my HgB levels. The thing we didn't know was how anemic I was... My ferritin levels were ZERO. I had no iron reserves in my body whatsoever. I'd been bleeding so much for so long that all of my reserves were depleted, and any iron I took in was used right away in making new red blood cells.

I was immediately put on large iron supplementation, and told to return for regular blood draws to check for improvement. My next visit, a few weeks later, I felt a little better but still pretty awful. My ferritin was like 7 by then. (Normal is 20-150, and even on the low end of normal, you're considered anemic!) My Dr decided I needed to double the iron I was already taking, because though there was improvement, it wasn't enough to keep me out of the red zone. I asked her, concerned, about iron toxicity. She chuckled and said that for me, it'd be practically impossible.

Things got better, but still not good. Of course, I continued to tell myself I was "better". I was juggling work, classes, school clinical rotations, and my volunteer hours. The heart palpitations and shortness of breath were less frequent (The extreme fatigue always remained)

*A reader's digest lesson in physiology for those that aren't "in the know":
Your red blood cells are responsible for carrying oxygen through your blood to your tissues, organs, etc. So, not having enough RBC's means your body is deprived of the oxygen it needs.. even if you are taking nice deep breaths, your body can't use the O2 because it has no way of getting it to the tissues! Iron is a key ingredient needed to create RBC's, which is why iron levels are so vital to check in anemic patients.

Flatulence, Drugs, & "Waldo"

I've realized it's really funny when your own mother farts. Like ripe huge ones. Took Mamacita for her colonoscopy yesterday morning. After the procedure, they sent me back. The nurse said, "I need two things: I need her to start waking up, and I need her to pass gas before she can go."

So I woke mom up. Little disoriented. Pleasantly happy. Asked her if she could fart; told her she needed to before we could go. She looked at me for a second, like she was really concentrating on what I was saying, then ripped one. And then said, "Now, can I go home?"

She continued with the ginormous farts for the next 10 minutes, each time saying, "Now can I go?" "How many more times do I have to do it before I can go?" And my favorite: "Well, here's what I have to say about that.... (*insert huge fart sound here)!" Ah yes, versed & gas. I'm going to be sure to be in town to take mom on her next colonoscopy!

My incison is itching (internally) plus hair is growing back. Hard to get comfortable. Ah, my friend diphenhydramine. Pulled you out of the medicine cabinet today. Stayed up all night - coudn't get comfortable. Will surely get some rest now!

Decided Tuesday that I'm going to name my incision. (This after deciding last weekend I was gonna name my tumor: Audrey II, after the man-eating blood loving plant from Little Shop of Horrors) So, my incision, I'm affectionately caling "Waldo." You guessed it... pretty soon, you'll all be saying, "Where's Waldo?" And you'll ony see it if you look really closely.

That pill is kicking in..... sleepytime.