With Absolute Certainty

I took some time out for "me time" this weekend. Didn't acknowledge the phone at all Friday or Saturday, and most of Sunday. It was solitude that I found so peaceful and comforting. Watched some TV on DVD. Read a little. Did a couple crossword puzzles. Found myself listening to opera and piano music. Really felt old beyond my years, and yet so comfortable with that. I've been told many times in my life how I'm an "old soul," and for some reason I wholly felt it this weekend.

So with that time, I tried to sort things out. This gypsy lifestyle has me questioning so much. Way more than I ever thought I would. I'm not sure what's what anymore. I asked myself this morning what I am absolutely certain of... and I had trouble coming up with answers...

Smiles

Infectious Smiles Around the World

Smiling is contagious
You can catch it like the flu
When someone smiled at me today
I started smiling too.

I past around the corner
And someone saw my grin
And when he smiled I realised
That I'd passed it on to him

I thought about that smile
Then I realised it's worth
A single smile just like mine
It could travel 'round the earth

So if you feel a smile begin
Don't leave it undetected
Lets start an epidemic QUICK ...
And get the world infected.

- By Anonymous

So, I've been thinking about one of the reasons that this place drives me so damn crazy. People here don't acknowledge each other. Like when you walk down the street, either you smile and say hello, or you avert your eyes, so as to not make eye contact. Here they do something wildly different, and it's creepy to me. Here they don't make a point of averting their eyes - they let you catch them looking at you. I just don't get that. It's like when you do make eye contact, they don't even say hello, or do the awkward head nod, nothing. It's like you're an invisible thing.

In Baltimore, mostly people just didn't look at you. I was ok with that. Just don't make eye contact... *shrug* I guess that's what I'm used to from growing up. It's like that in California, too. (In the south, it's widely accepted that you greet strangers.)

There was one guy that I used to see on my walk home from work every morning in Baltimore - I can't remember his name anymore, but oh, what great of a smile he had! I'm not sure if he was homeless... In my mind I think he is, living at a local shelter or something. But he was always clean, and never carrying his "home" with him, so I have my doubts. Anyway, I seemed to cross paths with him regularly - he'd be walking south toward the harbor as I walked north from the harbor area to my apartment. He would always smile & say good morning.

One morning, I was walking home after work.. the weather had started to warm up a bit.. It was in the high 30's, and I ran into him right on the harbor. He was grinning and said good morning.. he asked why he hadn't seen me in a while. (I hadn't seen him in about 2 weeks) I told him that I was wondering the same about him. In the 2 or 3 minutes we stood chatting, he said his hellos and good mornings to a half-dozen passers-by. He told me, "Everybody knows me here" and that if I ever wanted to find him, just ask around for "xxx with the ponytail" (Was it John? Maybe Paul? Shit, I don't remember.) He was genuine, and precious. I shook his hand and told him that after 2 months of saying hellos, it was nice to meet him officially.

As we said goodbye, I was filled with such strong emotion I was holding back tears... Got the feeling that somehow I just shook hands with an angel. Never did see him again.. but I do think of him.

Funny how months later, his smile still stays with me. Funny how something as simple as a smile can change a world. Today I am sending you a smile. A real one- genuine. Please share it... Let's all be angels that spread joy.

Rambles & Shambles?

Not even going to pretend that I understand what's going on with the elections in Iran right now. I've tried to read news headlines, but it's lost on me. The humanitarian in me is aware that there's this so-called "peacekeeping" and stuff, but the realist in me is sick of it. I think, pending loss of life or limb (at which there is great risk), our troops have more job security than any of us right now. Bitter? Not really. Realistic. Kinda hard to think about the billions of dollars poured into others' worlds when the taxpayers here at home are sick, homeless, & not getting the healthcare they need.

There's this bullshit line that's been thrown around for years about how nurses will never hurt for jobs. Please tell that to all my friends in BFE that have lost their jobs in the last few months. Try and explain that to my recruiter who has sent my resume to countless different institutions with no response back, because they just can't afford to hire at this time. Hospitals are going under because people aren't paying, because people aren't employed and insured. People aren't getting their prescriptions filled because they can't afford them. They aren't coming in at the first sign of sickness. Instead, they put it off until it's too late. They come to the hospital sicker than they ever did.

I'm not going to harp on it.. it's just a pretty fucked situation all around. I've managed to save up about 2 months' worth of expenses, so it will be tight, but I'll be ok for a little bit. I'm here for about 3 more weeks. Hopefully, I can line up a job in this time, though. I'm kinda looking to go home and spend some time at my own house, but I also know what goes with that... sigh. *shrug* Maybe I'll keep myself busy by cleaning? I've disconnected my cable tv & internet, so it'll be ... interesting. (Define interesting as you will, lol!)

So, yesterday was my dad's birthday. Those that know me well know that Mr. Dad is #1 in my book. Always has been, and I can't imagine anyone superseding that spot. Spent about an hour talking with him on the phone last night, and it was glorious. He's not a phone talker, but since we don't see each other often, or even talk often, I think he truly delights in those phone conversations. This morning I'd done some reflecting, and I'm going try and say this without tears, but today I am so thankful for my dad's 20 years of sobriety.

That's all. Now, I must go to sleep so I can save the world tonight.

Lost.

I'm lost. Not like the TV show.. just lost. Right now, I feel a little directionless.  Ok, a lot directionless.  I don't usually put video into my blogs, and I don't think I've ever linked to anyone else's vids, but I cannot begin describe in words how much I'm relating to this song right now.

I try not to whine or harp on family things, but it's gotten to the point that I can't continue to ignore it - I don't feel important to my immediate family.  There. I said it.  It's out there, and I'm not going to elaborate.  If you know me well, then you understand.  If you don't know me well, then you don't need to know my business.

There's a job possibility that I'm looking into.  I'm not sure I want to take it, but in some ways it's probably just what I need/want.  I haven't been offered the job, and I'm not even sure I'll be offered it, but I'm supposed to hear from them for an interview next week.  I don't know.  I hate not knowing.. It's always last-minute in this business for getting my next contract, but it gets a little more stressful with this economy.

Jobs aren't available like they once were, and sometimes we need to "settle" for less than what we'd desire.  I hate that I've been feeling like I've been settling.  I'm doing exactly what I've wanted to do for years, and yet I don't feel that joy.  I'm sure the bulk of that is situational... I have no doubt if I actually enjoyed and trusted my coworkers, if I had made some good friends in the area (like I did on my Baltimore assignment) I wouldn't feel the same.  

But I do still feel lost - torn between worlds.  Friends ask me all the time when I'm coming home.  I have a house, my home, in BFE.  I continue to pay a mortgage on a home where nobody resides.  I have family there in town that couldn't be bothered to pick up the phone and call me.  And there's no work there in BFE.  So yeah, it's home.. but.. is it?  If I went back, what would I go for?  And could I continue to survive when there's a shortage of work, and an abundance of heartache & disappointment from those I'm most closely related?

I have an apartment and an income here in Dallas.  The place is nice enough, and there is plenty of work.  But I don't have any connections to the people.  I don't trust them, and I don't share their values.  Right now this place is my home, but it doesn't feel like much of one.

I have family who cherish and adore me on the west coast.  I have friends there, many of whom I haven't talked to in years, but still care for deeply.  There's work available, but it's hard to find, and it might end up sending me to facilites that I have mixed feelings about for an extended period of time.  Do I want to bind myself to these facilities?

I don't know.  Right now I'm not sure what I'm doing or where I'm going with my life.  I have no doubt I need to continue nursing.  It is my passion, and I truly believe it's my calling.  But beyond that, I'm at a loss... Right now, I have no idea where I belong in this world.

Hopefully I won't face a Next Time.

I cried on my drive home today... 
I cried for the hopelessness of our society.
I cried for the prejudices that don't wash free.
I cried for my complicit silence...

At work, 90% of the time, I'm the only white girl.  90% of the time, I'm also the only non-staff employee, and the only American nurse.  There's at least a good 10-15+ years separating me from most of the staff.  So I'm pretty secluded.  I get along fine with most of the staff, but I'm not part of anyone's circle.  I never quite feel comfortable speaking my mind, so I keep to myself.  I don't share.  There's ONE white american woman that works nights once in a while... I think she's the kind that would like to see Falwell resurrected and elected president.

Tonight while charting, two of the Indian nurses were talking to each other a couple feet away from me.  One was from the main tower, serving as acting supervisor for our unit tonight.  She was telling another, young Indian nurse about her busy night the night prior.  She started out saying how she had a lot of antibiotics to be hanging all night on this patient, then proceeds to say, "And he's gay.  And I hate gay people." Yes, that's in quotes. ... that's not paraphrased... that's exactly what she said.  My whole body nearly convulsed in horror at what I was overhearing.  She then proceeded to say how his partner was in the room, and they had a beautiful little girl.  She talked about how she didn't think it could be theirs, and they must've adopted, but how could they, because they were gay...  I couldn't move.  I didn't know whether to scream, or cry, or what.  My whole body was in shock.. she went on to say how "the little girl shouldn't be exposed to that kind of lifestyle" and how much she hopes that she's not a victim of abuse.  (Alluding to the fact that she thinks this little child would be sexually abused by her parents.)  

I cannot tell you how much that ripped me to the core.
With every fiber of my being.

I was not raised to hate ANYTHING or ANYONE.
The only thing in my life that I was allowed to hate was tomatoes..
and I was still coerced into eating them on occasion, just to be sure.

I've never once heard racial slurs, homophobic talk, sexist talk
or whatever else from my parents growing up. Never.
Never...

Shaken, I held it in for the remaining 7 hours of my shift.
Reeling... Thinking there's no way I can work these people again.
I called my mom on the drive home... 

I may have had all kinds of strange things in my life,
but without a doubt, I was raised in a world where there was love...
and hate was reserved only for things like tomatoes.

Next time I won't be silent.